I am pathetic. This past weekend I had what most people call "the ugly cry". I started to lose it because my house has been a total wreck. I have never been a person that can just tolerate all the mess. I could sit here and make excuses but the truth is sometimes I am eating the bread of idleness and other times I am just too slap busy to get things done like I want to. I immediately begin to look around and freak out because there is so much to do and I don't know where to start. That makes me want to go hide under the covers. Top that with putting a million expectations on myself and listening to the subtle whispers of the enemy telling me that I am a failure and you have one overwhelmed chick!
I cried for what may have been an hour on Saturday. Rod doesn't see me cry that often so when he heard me going to pieces we actually were able to communicate some things that we really just needed to talk about.
Not that I rejoice in the iniquity of others AT ALL but I feel better when I turn that show on called "Clean House" (I think that is the name). I can then tell myself that none of that does anything for my situation but hey it could be worse. So wrong of me.
To the praise and glory of Jesus I am not where I was on Saturday and I have actually accomplished a lot. Sometimes though we (especially as women) just need to let out everything we've been holding in and be honest before God. I believe when we get in His presence and even just cry and not have the words that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groaning's and longings that can not be expressed.
My bible study group is wonderful by the way. I can not tell you how honored I am to be able to serve these women along with my Sunday morning class. I am so humbled that God would allow this child with all of her frailties still be used by Him. He is so Other.
So, I had the above verse on my heart. Our relationship to Christ has to be our life. Our highest ambition...to know Him. As we seek Him, His Kingdom and His righteousness He gives us everything we need for life and godliness so that we are able to walk this thing out on planet earth.
When I am not seeking Him first things are just out of balance in my life. A lot of mornings I wake up with vertigo and the room just seems to spin. God is on His throne and will always be on the throne of His mercy seat. Even when we feel that everything around us is spinning out of control He is not moved. He doesn't need to be just a number on a list of priorities. He is the priority and life and the abundance of the soul that comes from the Holy Spirit only flows from a seeking soul who longs to seek Him above all else.
I just pray that each of us would long for Him more than anything. That He would just give us a bitter taste in our mouth regarding the things that we are putting before Him.
There is nothing in all of life like a vibrant relationship with Christ. Do what you have to do to be in that place with Him. Forsaking all other lesser loves for the pursuit of the most worthy Lover of our Souls.
Now I have no idea if I am making any sense because I am about to pass out I am so tired! I just finished priming a few walls. Have I ever mentioned my hatred for wallpaper?!?!? If not there you go!