Lamenting the days gone by...

Psalm 102:1-3

Psalm 102

A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.

¹ Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry for help come to you.

² Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.

³ For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.

I was in my closet earlier just listening to the quiet. My stomach turned within me as I felt I was treading on holy ground. It is such a sacred thing. We truly don't take enough time just to be still before the Lord. I am not talking about some sort of blank meditation but more of the availability to hear when a word may be scarce and respond like the little boy Samuel (1 Samuel 3)...Here I am! Anyway, when I got up and went and looked at my baby girl my heart just ached within me. I just lamented in my heart. A lamentation was a song or a poem and it expressed regret, coupled with grief, or mourning. More than anything I would say it is raw emotion before God. It is the pouring out of your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. (Lamentations 2:19

¹⁹ Arise, cry out in the night,
as the watches of the night begin;
pour out your heart like water
in the presence of the Lord.
Lift up your hands to him
for the lives of your children,
who faint from hunger
at the head of every street.)

Let me just say, no I am not some morbid person but my heart just yearns for the days that are so fleeting. They are not without pain and toil, but the joy of this sweet child no one can know but God. So why would we think that our Father thinks less of us. He loves us more than we who are evil could ever even love our own children. Even in a short four years I have my regrets, have had my share of tears and fears, and have grieved that my sweet girl is growing up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Sometimes we get out her baby pictures and I tell her all about her being born and now before I pick up the book she says, "Mom, don't cry please!" After the loss of Shelby, Morgan came into this world in a time when I thought my heart was going to die. This morning she let me hold her while she slept and I held her so tight to my chest and I thought my heart was going to burst with love for her. Do not get me wrong I get irritated, impatient, and etc. Those are some of the things that I lament...times when I am impatient or not attentive. Lord, help me. I just praise Him for the fun that we have in the midst of the groanings of my heart that this child who has been entrusted to me is growing and things keep changing and there is nothing I can do but just live each day and cherish the time. I believe there is a sinful type of lamenting when we look back on our own personal Egypt and groan to go back to relationships, places, or situations that God has delivered us from. Yet I believe there is a good lament that allows us to understand once more that we really are not in control as much as we long to have control. She has started talking to me about going to big school next year. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. She says, "Mom God made me to grow up." True...true.

1 John 3:19-21

¹⁹This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence ²⁰whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

²¹Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God