Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Part of My Story

This was my response to Beth Moores "Talk to me Tuesday" (regarding a time that I went through of prayer and needing faith in a situation where I did not know what to do but seek God) but I thought it worth sharing:

If I could post a picture of my journal from 2001 on here I would but the picture of that journal is forever etched in my mind. I focus a lot better when I pray in writing. A lot of my journals need to be thrown straight into the fire place. That particular one is a rock of remembrance. I moved out when I was 18 yrs old. Nothing like trying to support yourself and hanging on by the skin of your teeth... that won't make you feel a little desperate. I will say I have had that gift of desperation for God, my Father, for years now. I found a wonderful singles ministry at the church I still attend 12 years later and I began teaching Sunday school at 19 (probably had no business doing that one). Nothing has marked me like the word of God. Nothing.

Anyway, nothing makes you realize you are in a crisis to be married like being around a bunch of discontented single women (not everyone who is single is that way). The thought never occurred to me that I may not marry one day...until I was in the singles. Don't get me wrong we totally wrestled with being content in whatever circumstance. Anyway, I had total co-dependency issues from looking for love in all the wrong places and already a pretty good history stacked up (yes even at 18). So, I begin a gut-wrenching process of heart surgery from the age of 21-22 of having (instead of "No Other Gods") "no other man" but Jesus in my life. Jesus didn't need to know I could be secure without a man...I did. I would never cooperate with Him until I prayed one day that I would have complete anxiety when I was outside of His will. I am not suggesting that the Lord gives us anxiety but we are right to have a lack of peace when we are flipping out in disobedience. So, the bone deep agony of anxiety led me to complete surrender in the man department. I really thought it would kill me. For so long a relationship had defined me. I felt a loss of my person if I was not in one. I would have one guy lined up as soon as I dumped the other...and sometimes both at the same time. I didn't care who I hurt and most of all I didn't ever feel that I was hurting me. Not when I could move on to someone else without feeling the pain of loss from the previous relationship. Pain masking at its best. Anyway, I seriously quit manipulating. Even down to the way I dressed. As I died to myself I found out that I no longer had to take on the persona of who I dated. It is tough making yourself a chameleon to whoever you are with. I was finally free to be who I was made to be in Christ.
So, back to the journal...I had dated a guy (named Rod Williams...wink wink) in the Singles before I went on this year long journey with God and before I was up to my same old was just so much a part of me. Well, before that cooperation with the Lord...Rod was already on to me and was not about to have any more to do with me. It is a powerful thing, when living in the flesh, to feel like you have set out to get a guy and you get him and then move on...yet it really bruises the ego when they are just done and onto your game. I know some people know exactly what I am talking about. So, Rods heart was literally hard toward me. Besides going to church with him I had no contact with him. Toward the end of that year my feelings were strong for him...yet in my mind there was no way he would ever have anything to do with me. I began to pray and ask God to change the desire of my heart. I didn't want to like him if that wasn't Gods plan. The desire never went away. I would beg God and remind Him that I was delighting myself in Him and that He would make my desires His if I did that. I couldn't take it anymore so I got a little bold in my prayers...yet I believe God prompted it. Rod was never one to have out of bounds relationships so I prayed for the Lord to put something on my heart to pray about the situation so I would know if my desires were His. Instead of obsessing over my feelings for Rod I would pray for him daily. I even prayed the Praying Gods word "unforgiveness" prayers because I felt rejected by him...haha! Anyway, Rod and I never talked on the phone or anything and before work one day I prayed in that journal that if he was the man I was going to marry that we would have a phone conversation and I would know that he was the one. So, toward the end of the day I was at work and Rod emailed me asking me to call him when I got home from work. I will never forget it and sometimes I need to be reminded of it...esp early on in the marriage when we both wondered why we ever got married in the first place! Needless to say I ran on the treadmill for an hour before I called him that day. I was so nervous. When he called, he said he really wanted to give dating a try again.
The rest as they say is history.
It did me good to tell this remind myself how faithful the Lord is to me. I really do love him (rod)...even if he is not the prince on the white horse that will one day come for me.

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