Papa smurf! Who knew I'd have a 9lb baby full term?? All three of my pregnancies are war stories but one of the worst parts about this pregnancy was when I started to code. All heck broke loose and everyone descended on the room as we were in a real clear emergency. I was mad at rod and jokingly said I wasn't going to let him see Blair be born. Well, I'll never forget asking the anesthesiologist if my son was going to make it. He yelled ma'am... He might die but we are worried about you dying right now. (Rod says this conversation didn't take place and of course I was like dude you weren't even there! He had gone to tell his family I was having a c section and when he left all heck broke loose) uttered 2 things to The Lord: 1) Lord, I've lost one child before...I know you'll get me thru it again but surely not. 2) thank you for this anesthesia. By Gods grace I came out of emergency surgery and wasn't sick from anesthesia. My first words: is my son alive? I could cry. So rod and I both didn't get to see him be born. It was 3 or 4 something in the morning by the time I got rolled into see him. Rod asked me, "are you sure you want to see him tonight or just wait until the morning?" He carried Blair to the NICU and had already seen him. I was a little mad that others saw him before I ever did since it's such a sacred moment but it is what it is. Anyway, I went in and saw all his hair and was like is he mine??? He scared me for like 2 weeks because he had a furrowed brow and finally I was like I'm your mother child and pushed that cranky brow up with my finger. I'm still not used to the whole changing of the diaper and seeing "it's a boy!" yet. I don't know what to do with a boy! Lol. Anyway, praise The Lord this dude made it. The NICU doctor that I was familiar with from Morgan didn't tell me until I was discharged that my boy didn't breathe on his own for 8 minutes and they had to bag oxygen him. I've yet to have one season of ease in my life. Everything is on the edge of my seat...go big or go home...enduring trials full of twists and turns and even almost near death! I guess I'm really stubborn and need a lot of trials to keep me humble. Yet I wouldn't trade how I've come to know The Lord from them all. I'm so thankful for my firstborn in heaven that taught me that life is about Gods glory and to trust Him when there are no footprints in the sand. I'm thankful for my sweet Morgan and The Lord teaching me to have more faith and that even when I'm not faithful He remains faithful as He can't deny Himself. I wished with her I would have just believed God even if the outcome was wrong... That I would have gone forward with some faith. There were far to many scares and too much time plus hormones staring at 4 walls for months at brookwood. It caused me to see what a brute beast I was before The Lord in psalm 73. Now this dude!!! Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life. I never aspired to be a mom and got on my face and cried all three times I found out I was pregnant out of fear of being a mother and failing. Fail I do. Apologizing...I have to do a lot. But this boy teaches me and he's so much like me it's scary. I pray he grows to love Jesus and isn't a 1/4 of the fool I've been in life. If they make it out of my house without being totally dysfunctional it will be all praise to Jesus!!! I'm smitten with him! And yes I mourn over them getting older. Some don't. I do. I've never wished away any stage of their lives. I feel so not fit to steward them but here we are!! The Mister! Oh and he was voted best dressed in the NICU! Lol.
This Psalm about sums me up. I cried to Him from the depths. He saved me from myself and my enemy. If He kept a record of sins...I could not stand. He is so merciful and forgiving to all who call on Him. Praise Him!
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.