Who am I, and who is my family Lord, that You have brought us this far?

August 20^th, 2004 is the day I became a mom.  I never aspired to be a mom. Getting married or being a mom would take away from my time with the Lord, I thought, so I really didn’t care about either of the two.  Yet there is nothing like getting in a singles ministry and seeing other girls in full blown crisis mode over the need to get married that will awaken your senses to your own urgency that you didn’t even know you had…to be married.  At times it seemed an all consuming fire to the people around me.  They needed to get married and then of course I thought I did too.  I guess I thought I would get married someday but I was certainly not one of those girls who had her whole wedding planned out as a child.  None of that nonsense for me, I thought!  Maybe it was because I came from a broken home and a dad that needs his own reality show called “15 kids and I lost count”.  Nevertheless, God had a plan for me whether “the Bobster” as I refer to him, was in my life or not.  Marriage was never a pretty picture to me.  As far as examples go the ones I saw made me decide that I really didn’t want to put myself through that. 

Thankfully, I know in my bone and marrow that the Lord is my Father.  It’s not just words on a page to me.  I learned truly that if I was forsaken by the people who should be expected to love me the most that the Lord would never do such a thing.  Tonight I was in the store with Morgan and a scripture from Psalm 91 caught my eye.  I took Morgans sweet little face, stooped down low (not too low as she is catching up with me on height) and recited that passage to her from the well of my soul.  It has meant so much to me.  I stood for a moment and told Morgan about how faithful He has been to me and that even when life has been like really hard the Lord has been hemming me in and leading me on and wooing me closer to His heart.  I began to have a knot well up in my throat and tears began to fall down my face.  I couldn’t even stop it nor blame it on “that time of the month” since I don’t have one of those any more. 

Psalm 27:10 (NIV1984)

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.

Even during great times of oppression from the enemy, I can speak out one of the psalms of ascents that even if I have been greatly oppressed from my youth , the enemy has not gained the victory over me.  At times I have literally felt that I was in the black dirt and the enemy was plowing over me with intentions of crushing me or making me think nothing would ever grow from what was plowed over…yet through any kind of trenches left in my soul or impressed on my heart or mind, the Lord has allowed my tears and prayers to become seed that was planted and has produced a harvest so that maybe perhaps many will see and hear and put their hope in God.  He is about His children flourishing in their soul whether in a season of trial or maybe a season of rest.  There is purpose in our pain and loss.  Not only has He cut me free from the cords of the wicked, He has made it to where I will not settle for my own children to have to live and see some weak willed woman exist as a victim of circumstance her whole life (what a waste!), because of the Lord and what He has been to me I am anything but weak willed and Lord willing, I want to stay that way.  I praise Him because of His grace that the enemy hasn’t won!

Psalm 129:2-4

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

² they have greatly oppressed me from my youth,
but they have not gained the victory over me.
³ Plowmen have plowed my back
and made their furrows long.
⁴ But the Lord is righteous;
he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.

So, I get married and then one morning was praying about having children and again since I decided I wasn’t cut out for it I prayed and was ready for whatever answer the Lord had for me.  I will never forget walking in the bathroom and exclaiming to Rod that I had prayed about the matter and the Lord answered me with the following verse that I had to lookup in that particular homework I was doing:

Isaiah 54:1
[ The Future Glory of Zion ] “Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.

That was that…I was to have spiritual offspring through teaching and discipling and no biological kids of my own.  Of course Rod brushed it off as he continued to get ready for work.  One thing about me is that there was NO way I could ever picture the scenario in my mind so that must have meant it wasn’t going to be a part of my life.  The thing is the Lord doesn’t give us grace for things that we are not even living out.  We also are still called to walk by faith, not sight, nor feelings. 

I kid you not, a couple of days later I found out I was pregnant.  Like all three times when I found out I was pregnant, I fell to the floor and wailed before the Lord and told Him there was NO WAY I could be a mom!  No way!  Then, as soon as I called and told Rod he quickly and sarcastically reminded me of the “so called word” I had from the Lord as he chuckled.  I had some really hard pregnancies and many of you know that my sweet Shelby Hope is in heaven.  I became a mom the day she was born and the day she died.  I remember the panic when hearing the news that she was not going to live.  Then, holding my child only to release her to the One she belonged to anyway.  I was a steward of her for such a short time, yet it was too my Fathers glory that her life be what it was and every day was written in His book before one day came to pass.  I then began to beg the Lord to not let Isaiah 54:1 hold true for me. 

June 24^th, 2005 and 11:38 pm the Lord brought Morgan in this world and praise Him, I was a mom again.  Words can’t describe what it felt like when they put her on my chest.  If I could recreate the moment I would but the Lord allowed feelings to be invoked in me that I didn’t even know I was capable of.  I was smitten to put it lightly and drunk on love for that baby girl.  The Lord has continued to use her life to show me that as much as I love her on a good day, I can’t even fathom a drop in the bucket of His love that surpasses knowledge…for me.  Me.  It’s so humbling.  I also began to feel sorry for some people that I know that never were able to show their children that they were loved.  They are so handicapped in their heart that they just don’t have it to give.  Also, love comes from God and we love because He first loved us…yet if we are not seeking to abide in Him we really have nothing to give to anyone that’s authentic and flowing from His Holy Spirit.  I then knew what it meant that I was the apple of Gods eye because that baby girl sure was and is the apple of my eye.  Whoever touches her is touching the apple of my eye.  Just like several episodes where other kids have been ugly to her (and I’m not saying she is all innocent and never been ugly) I have wanted to snatch them bald headed!  No lie!  The other day even I witnessed how rude little girls can be but it was being dished out to my baby…and I never knew how bad I might want to hate a 7yr old (but only for a minute…wink wink).  I don’t really hate…but I walked out of her school talking outloud to the Lord, thanking Him that part of the work of the Holy Spirit is to restrain and had I not had Him dwelling with me, I would have been on the 10 O’clock news for beating up a 7 year old!  LOL.  I’m kind of kidding.

So, again I never imagined being able to love another child like I do Morgan until July 28^th 2011…my baby man child came into this world!  He was as stubborn as can be about getting here and was all about causing trouble.  Of course I asked the Lord over and over what I was going to do with a man child?  Me, the mom of a boy?  How in the world?  His daddy is VERY independent so I was scared from the day I found out about the little mister that he was going to come out being independent of his momma.  He came in this world with some mean little expressions and that boy is as sweet as can be when he gets up in the morning, and when he is around “the ladies”…

He loves his mommy but he is indeed polar opposite from Morgan.  And he has a tude.  No doubt about it!  Yet I am so overtaken with love for him.  I only wish he would quit trying to over achieve and stay a blasted baby for me!  He thinks he is SO big. 

Being a mom has definitely had its challenges.  I can’t tell you how needy I am for Jesus because I really realize in my parenting that apart from Him, I can do nothing.  I’m seeking the Lord over here and trying to live this life out before them the best I can and praying like crazy that they would embrace Christ for themselves and see that He is not just a number on a list of priorities, but that He will be their life and the length of their days, because that is what He is for me. 

I fall SO short, but oh I am so thankful to get to do life with those two.  I kid you not when I told you earlier that I was afraid that marriage and kids would take away from my time with the Lord.  I don’t get to spend as much time as I once did when it was just me and Jesus but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I have come to know Him more intimately because of them.  There are so many days I am racked with guilt or conviction for being snappy with Morgan that day…I have even been known to wake her up and apologize and she is so gracious. 

Yet my heart does ache for those that want to be a mom, and for whatever reason they aren’t.  Or for those who may have a mom but she’s never been a mom to you.  Or for others whose mom is no longer living…

I pray that the Lord would give you your hearts desires and fill up the places that lack.  I pray that you would come to know Him as El Roi, the God who sees you in your barren land and may He meet with you in that place and provide a well of living water when you feel like you are about to die of thirst in this world that we live in (which is so bent on keeping us discontented).  If your answer doesn’t come in the form you wish it did, I pray that you would have such spiritual offspring that your heart is so full and the people too numerous to count. 

Loving your kids is risky since we don’t know what tomorrow holds, yet what a waste to self-protect and live in fear when we can know the Lord more by loving them heart wide open?

So, today I am thankful for all that they have taught me and how I have learned of the goodness and unconditional love of the Lord because of their sweet lives.

Morgan and Blair, I pray that you will look past mommy’s short-comings and failures and see Jesus the One I so desperately want you to give your life to.  He is so worthy of all of you.  There is no better place to be.  And to my precious Morgan, you are already so much more than your mom has ever been.  Your heart is so tender and sensitive to the Lord.  I pray that when you hear His voice, that like the boy Samuel you would reply, “Here I am Lord!”  Morgan, what I would give to know Him like you do already when I was your age.  I pray you never take your faith for granted and that you take hold of it for yourself…and I pray that for both of you.  The love I have for y’all is something I never knew I was even capable of.  You’ll never know what you mean to me.  But maybe some day you will get a glimpse for yourself. 

Up On A Rooftop...splish-ity splish! (How NOT to guard your heart)

2 Samuel 11

Don't you know David probably got to glory and was like Lord, why do you have to use me as an example so much to everyone.  I'm sure he is glad since his faith was made sight, that if his life would still speak to us and perhaps snatch no small few people from the flames of some of the fire they might light the match to in their own life.  So, I'm sure he was good with that!  If there is anyone in the Old Testament that I can relate to it is the man David.  The son of Jesse (whose name means son of man) so just as Jesus is so often referred to the Son of David and the son of man, David was technically the "son of man too".  As hard as I try I can't write something short but I will give it a whirl and if it turns out that I am not so long winded then good!

David was a man of great passion.  He literally went on the heights with the Lord and also ascended unto the depths of sin in his personal life.  The reason why I love him so is that he penned so many of the psalms.  He was a psalter indeed and I relate to him when he just gushes out his heart the best he knows how to articulate it to the Lord.  I'd love to go so many places with this post but instead I am going to stick to the point.

I am a thinker and also a very visual type learner.  When I read a passage I want to mull over it and even try to picture it in my head.  Well, so often I see David depicted as some pale white skinny dude with curly hair.  I'm not sure if those depictions came out of the Renaissance period or what but to me they are very inaccurate.  Here are some vivid descriptions of our main man real quick:

 

1 Samuel 16:12 (NIV1984)

¹² So he sent and had him brought in. He was ruddy, with a fine appearance and handsome features.
Then the Lord said, “Rise and anoint him; he is the one.”

The NET version (which is spot on by the way) says, "So Jesse had him brought in.  Now he was ruddy, with attractive eyes and a handsome appearance." 

I've  heard so many people try to explain the word "ruddy" but to me it just means he had a tan.  Maybe even a sunburn because I seriously doubt he was going to go to the local drug store and get some sunscreen. 

1 Samuel 16:21 (NIV1984)

²¹ David came to Saul and entered his service. Saul liked him very much, and David became one of his armor-bearers.

He is also described as a warrior and a man who could play the lyre with his hands.  If we had time to detour I would but our David was sent to play the lyre for king Saul (the king that the people had chosen).  At this point David had already been anointed by Samuel as the next king of the people of Israel.  God had rejected Saul because his heart was not loyal to him and chosen a king for Himself.  A king that we can trace Christ's earthly lineage to. 

This was not some weakling we are talking about.  To me I'd have to say he was hott!  Great eyes, tan complexion, I'm sure a very fit and chiseled frame.  A smelly dude that tended to sheep and did a lot of walking and tending.  I love that the Lord always chooses the least likely but that David was a shepherd and Jesus Christ is the Good Shepherd.  David was the youngest so of course his dad had him out taking care of the sheep.  It was a lowly job.  Why would he even think Samuel would anoint his baby boy, the youngest.  I love that God went out of His way in His providence to have Samuel pass by all of his brothers with none to anoint as king.  I LOVE that God clearly had a call on Davids life and that He pursued Him while He was going about his work of shepherding.  Gods plans and calling are irrevocable.  It's amazing to me.  Everyone had to wait while David was summoned from the sheep fold.  That encourages me so much whenever I start thinking that I've missed my calling or I may need to help God out a bit by manipulation.  Nope, not the case here.  I wonder if David ever felt like he didn't matter much.  I wonder if he looked up at the heavenlies and asked the Lord, "is this it?"  Is this what I was made for, or is there something greater?  I'm not talking about status or position but a desire that your life would matter a hill of beans.  I wonder if he wrestled those things out under the stars.  God sought after this man with a heart like His.  So, Saul is rejected and yet he is still on the throne.  I'm telling you one thing just like Moses says in Exodus 33 and my condensed version: "Lord, if Your presence doesn't go with me then I don't want to go! period!" 
I have people tell me I am too hard on myself in my relationship with the Lord.  The thing is after almost 15 years of time spent in the word, I CRAVE His presence.  I am not who I need to be without abiding in His word.  Its not just about a chore, a discipline yes...but truly whom have I in heaven but Him really?  Earth has nothing I desire besides Him.  My heart and my flesh are indeed going to fail me...but He isn't.  I can't stay in the Spirit without time spent with Him.  Sure there are days I don't feel like it but He is my reason for living.  I love my kids but they don't fill the need in my soul for Christ and His presence.

So, Saul is rejected and has an evil spirit torment him and someone suggests that he have music played to soothe his soul.  I love music, I really only listen to Christian music but it is so powerful and moves me.  It also comforts me and soothes my soul when things seem to be awry.  So, someones mind gets jogged in Sauls service (sounds sort of like Joseph when he is FINALLY called forth to interpret the kings dream) and David gets summoned to the palace to play for the king.  Don't you know he knew there was a calling and was told he was supposed to be king...but I am sure he wondered how in the world he would get to the place that the prophet of the Lord had anointed him for.  That's the same with me at times.  I feel a certain call but I just don't know how I will get there.  I just have to trust in His sovereignty and continue to walk with Him in the day to day living.

So, press fast forward on the parts we didn't have time to go into.  Lets jump straight to 2 Samuel 11.  We see that David is king and that he is in Jerusalem in the Spring (when most battle took place because the conditions for fighting weren't as tough...as if battle isn't ever tough!) So, he stays back instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing.  Somewhere along the way, he bought his own press.  He was at a lofty position  and at this point he probably didn't have much accountability.  I really think that's where we see a lot of moral failure come to play in leadership.  You start to feel above reproach and at times you can become deceived and lose any sense of accountability because after all, you are supposed to set an example.  People are supposed to be able to follow you as you follow Christ.  So, with my speculation I'm just saying David was on a slippery slope and he seems a little bored.

I want to talk about Bathsheba now.  Women are very smart.  I have heard people say so many times, "Oh if those women only knew how they were causing men to lust by the way they dress..."  Well, the thing is they do!  Women have power and they know at times how to wield it.  One thing I want to note about her based on her husband is that I think she was lonely and wanted to feel something anything, she may have been desperate for some passion but she was no dummy.  EVERYONE in Jerusalem and I do mean EVERYONE would have known that David stayed home.  Just like I'm sure as can be that Bathsheba was no innocent bystander.  She knew full well that the king had a good view of the top of the roof she was going to bathe on.  We can clearly site several inferences to the fact that her husband Uriah the Hittite, took his job pretty serious.  To me it would seem that he only cared about his job.  Nothing new from today's workaholic.  No doubt Bathsheba loved her husband but here she is again, alone, with the stark reminder I'm sure that she wasn't wanted.  Maybe somewhere along the way her and her husband had "lost that loving feeling" or maybe it was never there to start with. Even when Uriah was able to go sleep with her, he chose to lay on the floor at the palace instead of going home to have pleasure with his wife.  This is where I am getting into the part about the need to guard our hearts.  So, let's pick back up shall we. 

² One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” ⁴Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home. ⁵ The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, “I am pregnant.”

Bathsheba is up on the roof top just a bathing.  Yes, she needed to cleanse herself meaning she had just finished her monthly cycle.  I wonder if she waited and watched to get a glimpse of the king.  I wonder if she imagined herself on his arm.  Someone who had authority, and someone with looks.  There is something women like about a man in power and to a desperate woman it can be a dangerous thing.  How many times have we heard the phrase, "I like a man in uniform"?  This is all speculation but I wonder if she saw him and then ran out to bathe?  The NET version says that Bathsheba was, "very attractive".  So, did she wrestle with her marriage commitment or did she have any secret wars going on in her mind for this king?  It's still me thinking out loud but home girl knew what she was doing.  The enemy is all about seduction and I'm sure she thought because of her beauty that if her husband neglected her then she could find someone that wouldn't. 
WE HAVE GOT TO GUARD OUR HEARTS HERE.  The enemy will kiss you on the cheek and make you think you deserve better, but God's plans were always for one man and one woman until death do they part.  Yet was she desperate to feel wanted and alive or not?

Lets try to hypothetically pick Davids brain for a minute.  He had been sleeping, he didn't go to war and he is just walking out on the rooftop.  Somewhere along the way had his heart grown away from following after the Lord?  I pose that question because times of prosperity have a way of getting to you and allowing you to not have that sense of urgency for God maybe like he had before he took the throne and was constantly on the run from the enemy.  Did he start to coast in his relationship and compromise here and there so much so that he felt entitled to whatever he wanted because after all...he was king.  Suffering and hardship have such a way of purifying our hearts if we let it have its way.  So many times in my life I have had to literally sleep with my bible impressed upon my chest and for no other reason then I just wanted to hold close what is so precious and the closest thing I have to knowing my Lord since after all Jesus was the word made flesh.  So in the dailiness and in all of the things he had to do life was no longer as simple as the days of tending to sheep. 

Instead of stopping and returning to the place where he started to get off track with the Lord, he inquired about Bathsheba and then sent for her.  I'm not a man and can't understand them but he wanted to feel something too because maybe being the king wasn't really all it was chalked up to be.  

He's hott.  She's attractive.  He feels empowered that he could just send for her and then she would come.  She could have said no and she didn't.  She was a willing participant.    They sleep together (at a time when women are very fertile) and she is clearly sent back home and I wonder if he had anything to do with her past those few moments of passion? Or did she use her power only to be used by one in power and then was she tossed aside as if she were just an object of lust and nothing more once he was done with her?  I don't know the exchange that took place but from this passage of scripture I think there is a word to those who are in Christ.  

1.  True lovers of God are capable of all manner of sin!
2.  David needed accountability.  At some point maybe he quit humbling himself.  Maybe he quit reading over the scrolls of Gods word.   As we see in Joshua 1, He could have still been in the word but maybe he was not careful to do what it says.  It's so easy to know and not do.  To be a hearer only or maybe for a time he neglected His word.  It's a dangerous place to be.
3.  If Bathsheba was feeling all of the things I thought up maybe along the way she felt unloved and rejected and decided that she deserved to be happy or wanted.  She may have justified her behavior by what her husband did or didn't do for her.  How many times is that the case with an affair?  You justify your behavior based on your spouses?  First off, marriage does not solve a purity problem.  We need whole hearts before the Lord.  You can't live in all out immorality and then expect that you will calm that monster down once you get married.  Especially when you have already been eating the forbidden fruit.
4.  Bathsheba needed to turn to the Lord instead of learning the hard way that in stepping outside of Gods boundary lines we will ultimately wreak havoc on ourselves.  Sin promises much and delivers little.
5.  Let God be the watchman on the wall of your heart.  As much as she maybe wanted to be loyal to Uriah, maybe in her loneliness she tried not to feel and decided to harden her own heart in efforts to guard herself from allowing Uriah to hurt her.  Guarding your own heart without God being the watchman on the wall...ALWAYS leads to bitterness.  It's like a defense mechanism to self-protect because just maybe you felt like you tried it Gods way and He didn't come through in the way you thought He should.  Bitterness is a root that springs up and defiles many. 
6.  We can not nurse a grudge if that were her situation.  I'm not saying it was.  If you nurse a grudge and continue to feed it it's going to grow until you feel like you may even hate your spouse for good reason.  Then, a sense of entitlement deceives your heart and mind.

Then, as the rest unfolds, her husband is murdered, she has a child and the child dies...Can you even imagine the self-loathing she must have felt?  Can you even imagine the regret and the what-ifs?  I'm sure they never imagined that it would get that out of hand...and they suffered enormously. 

Yet glory to God in the New Testament God called David a man after His own heart.  Even after the adultery and murder God saw his heart and he left word for us that David was no impostor...He was a man after the heart of God.  Yet in that segment of his life he experienced moral failure and bone deep anxiety and consequences.  The enemy is out to steal, kill, and destroy.  Let's be on to Him.  He wants us to profane the name of our God.  Don't let him bait you and ensnare you but sister or brother if you are in that place...start crying out!  Lift up your hands in that pit you are sinking in.  The one with all of the mud and mire and allow Him to come lift you up out of it because you can't get out on your own.  Just like He sacrificed an animal and clothed Adam and Eve in their shame...He was the atonement for your sin and mine.  Not that there aren't consequences but there is such thing as full redemption.  Let Him restore You and then turn back and be a bull horn for others that might be headed down that same slope into the pit.  His mercy truly triumphs judgment.  You are who He says you are no matter how you feel.  That could mean that you preach to yourself when you are tempted that you are a temple of the living God and called and set apart for His purposes...or getting back on those feet, strengthening those legs and weak knees and living out the rest of your days with a heart fully committed to Him.  If You O LORD kept a record of sins, O Lord who could stand?  But with You there is forgiveness therefore You are feared!  Wait for the Lord and in His word...put your hope.  There isn't a time that you bank on the Lord that He won't eventually deliver when it's in His will and nature to do so!
THERE ARE NONE LIKE HIM.  I know no God like Him...No! Not One!

Joshua 1:7-9(NIV1984)

⁷ Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

A few recent pictures

   Here are a few recent pics of my babies!  I can't believe how slow life used to move and it seems like the older I get, the faster it fly's!  Johanna Cosby took three of these and the last one is where baby boy was eating and I just love those blue eyes but I doubt they will stay that way!  He is such a blessing.  So far his nicknames are: Blay Blay (Morgan), Blairsy Boo (by Rod), Honey Boo Boo Child (from toddlers and tiaras) and names from me Scruffy, Scruffy McScruffers, Grumps, Grumpers, mommies baby, and Big Boy!  His real name is Blair for those of you who don't know and for the cynics of course we won't keep calling him Blay Blay as he gets older!!!  I am so completely in love with my kids!  Morgan has been a tad challenging as of late!  She is so much like me and as stubborn as they come but she has a sweet heart for Jesus!  Sometimes I forget that she is only 6!  She loves people and loves to give.  She also is the nosiest thing I have ever seen and reads everything!  There is no spelling things in front of her!  She reads my text messages and anything within an eye shot.  It is so hard after 6 years with her and her being the Queen of my Heart to have to divide my attention with her and McScruffs!  So many of you will remember how that Morgan child will not sleep!  She still doesn't!  I prayed and told the Lord over and over the concern of my heart that I would have another one that wouldn't sleep.  Little dude has to go to bed around 9 or he is like what in the world?!?!?!?!?  He is all about his sleep Praise You Lord!  Yet from the time I get up until the time I go to bed one of them requires my attention.  Its been hard staying sane.  Sometimes I wonder though if it's my hormones considering I had him, moved (and I'm not all about change...in a world chock full of change I want some sameness) and had a hysterectomy!  It doesn't seem fair that my face breaks out and I have to dye my hair.  I should at least get a break on one of them!   As far as Morgan goes, I'm still teaching her the scriptures and praying like crazy that she will grow up to know and follow hard after the Lord Christ.  I didn't have the kind of instruction that she does and and I pray she doesn't take what she embraces for granted and that she will see the Lord as Her Life and the Length of her days!  Same for Blair!  Even though he is a mere 8 months I have been teaching him about bad girls like Delilah that may want to come his way and how he is going to have to stay away from them.  LOL!  Little dude is an overachiever already.  He wanted to crawl around 7 months and I would quickly pick him up because I didn't want him to crawl so fast.  I know I'm not right but he's my baby and my last baby!  He already says mamamama like my my my momma!  He says uh oh and da and we are pretty sure he is saying morga  since we sometimes call her morga.  The Mister is so expressive and loves the ladies so I already pray all over that heart and mind and private (hehe) in this age of seduction...I'm just begging for his purity!  Now that all of y'all think I am crazy!!!!  Here are the pics!!  So thankful for such joy from these two in a life that can be so full of hardship!

Ever Been Betrayed? Betrayal and Forgiveness (Part 2)

Psalm 55

So, David has been betrayed and in the last post I talked about how our first step when we are in the wake of being betrayed is to cry out to God.  We most likely will have to cry out numerous times because we don't really get betrayed by people who aren't close to us, do we?  A very practical way to cry out to the Lord is through a prayer journal.  At my house the only risk I run of having someone read my journal now is Morgan.  In fact she even took one of them to school.  Rod couldn't be any less interested in reading my journals.  My little sister has been instructed upon my death to burn those things.  Good grief I have the last 14 years of my life poured out in honesty to the Lord! 

So, in verses 2-3 we see where he is troubled and distraught.  Rejection, betrayal, loss, all of that cause such pain don't they?  The girl who gave of herself and lost her virginity to a guy that promised her his undying love and devotion "if only" yet she sleeps with him and he is never to be heard from again.  The child who instead of receiving love and a home to be nurtured and flourished in is abused.  The engagement that was broken.  The friend who betrayed your confidence.  The husband or wife that has never loved you or kept their commitment to the Lord.  The person who cheated in their marriage.  The mom or dad you never got the approval from.  You get the picture and whatever it is you are distraught.  So what is one thing that you want to do just like David wanted to do when a "bomb" of sorts has hit you or your house and left you in an emotional upheaval want to run!  Just like him I want leave the mountainous situation and find refuge somewhere far from the storm because after all, how could this be happened to me.  Like a nightmare you want to pinch yourself and wake up and it all be over.  He wants to flat out escape the situation.  Hey, some situations God is not calling you to escape but to bear up under the load.  I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship or anything of that nature.  Yet, through whatever trial has beset us there are times where we are called to flat out endure the thing which in some greek renderings can mean the ability to bear up under a load.  I think about the main verse prompting these posts which is verse 22 and some loads we bear but we are only able to because we have released the weight of them to the Lord.  So he wants to flee away and fly off like a dove or find shelter from the storm raging against him.  He wants that undisturbed peace that has now been upset.  Here's where the rubber meets the road.  Will we bury our heads in the sand with our trials?  Will we love eyes wide-open and do the hard thing?  Or will we flee and cave to bitterness and a calloused heart?  Which one will it be?

Here is where it gets good in the description of the human emotion of the heart. 

 ⁴ My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
⁵ Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.

You can't know what he is articulating here unless you have done some real live living.  If you don't know this part maybe it will lend you some insight into what someone else is going through.

His heart is in anguish within him.  Check out what the word for anguish means in the Hebrew (PLEASE STAY WITH ME HERE):  Hiyl: "To turn in a circle, twist, revolve; to writhe, travail (in childbirth), bear a child; to be born; to be afraid, tremble, shake.  The main idea is that of writhing in pain, which is particularly associated with childbirth...also denotes trembling..., suffering torment...experiencing anguish or distress."

Listen, he was betrayed and writhing in pain.  He was travailing over his hurt like one who would travail in childbirth.  When I started to pick apart this passage I began to scroll through memories of things that caused me the most pain.  As far as physical pain goes, hands down, the most pain I have been in on a scale of 1-10 (I hate when they ask you that at the doctor) was when I had meningitis. Yet on a scale of suffering, I have been through a lot and nothing quite hurts like betrayal.  Even the pain of losing a child for me was something I had to grieve and such a nightmare yet there have been hurts so deep that have caused me almost as much pain. 
I thought though how many of us really have no intention of turning our hurts and trials over to the Lord?  You know the person I am talking about.  The one that calls you up for the hundredth time and talks about something that happened 15 or 20 years ago and you can almost taste the bitter gall or smell the smoke from the smoldering pot because they are still living that thing out each time they tell it.  It's the part of the movie where you want to scream MOVE ON!  GET OVER IT!  QUIT BEATING THE DEAD HORSE!!!  WE ARE ALL SICK OF IT!  That is so 1996 DON'T WAST YOUR LIFE!  Yet that bitter root took way and it has sprung up and defiled many just like God's word says.  So, if we are going to guard ourselves from bitterness from that kind of pain David is talking about it is going to have to be intentional and it is going to require work.  It won't be for the faint of heart, because we at times are going to have to work so fervently for a renewed mind.  We are going to have to work it out with the Lord so we don't fall prey to the enemies mixed bag of offenses.  Yet it is going to be a process. 
This verse is what came to mind when I thought of David travailing in childbirth

Isaiah 26:18

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

¹⁸ We were with child, we writhed in pain,
but we gave birth to wind.
We have not brought salvation to the earth;
we have not given birth to people of the world.

 

We do not have to let our suffering be in vain.  If we view everything as a cup of suffering that the Lord has allowed to come into our lives we will give birth to something beautiful, something that will strengthen the brethren...yet we will also risk being misunderstood by people who really haven't known that road.  I promise you though I may not be where I need to be with some fresh wounds that the Lord is healing but I would not trade one hurt I have been through because I have come to know the Lord in so many ways that I otherwise would not have fellowshiped so deeply with him.  So let us press on but press through and turn around and pay the enemy back when we are whole enough to do so.  We won't give birth to the wind...

We can limp across the finish line but have done it with some victory and stand with others in the hall of faith and it can be said, "The world was not worthy of them!"  What the enemy meant for harm, God meant for good!

 

Our testimonies can be instruments that help strengthen the feeble hands and steady the knees that give way as they run their race and we pass the baton able to say our God is faithful and worthy for us to follow!  (to be cont'd)

Isaiah 35:2-4

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

² it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God. ³ Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
⁴ say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”

Betrayal and Forgiveness (Part 1)

Psalm 55:22

²² Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 55:22

²²Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail).

For years now the Lord has usually given me a verse three times in the period of a day or even a week to confirm to this stubborn child that YES, it is a word I need to apply and get to know deep down in my bone and marrow.  Whenever I do have times of doubt I am reminded of how obvious the Lord makes Himself to reveal to me the same verse of scripture out of the thousands of scriptures...there is no coincidence and the odds of it can't even be measured it has happened so many times.  I'm not sure why He does it this way with me but He does and I love Him for it.  So, I picked a random card  out of some bible promise cards and Psalm 55:22 was the verse I picked out of 101 cards. Then, I was cleaning my downstairs going through old papers and unrolled a scrolled up piece of paper with that same verse in the middle of it and then later that night I cracked up at the Lord because the chapter I had started reading in Pastor Erwin Lutzers book "When You've Been Wronged" moving from bitterness to forgiveness started out with you guessed it...Psalm 55!

So, as I studied it I was so thankful once again for the depth of human emotion that is penned in His Holy Writ.  I have always loved the Psalms and maybe because I am so flawed and so human and can relate to the roller coaster ride that life brings.  I often have people ask me how they can pray for me and I am dead serious when I say, "Pray that I will be close to the Lord and seek to live and walk in His Presence."  I mean it because if some of my situations never change this side of heaven, I know I can face anything with the Lord's presence and like Moses cried out to God, I don't want to move from any place I am in unless His Presence is going with me. 

So here we have David lamenting in Psalm 55.  I always love the subtitles... "For the director of music. with stringed instruments.  A maskil of David."  In my Western vocabulary and mindset I just can't see this passage being sung to some stringed instruments. Unless maybe it were a country song.

Psalm 55:1-7
¹ Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
² hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
³ at the voice of the enemy,
at the stares of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering upon me
and revile me in their anger.
⁴ My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
⁵ Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
⁶ I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest—
⁷ I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah

So here we have David, a man after God's own heart, a man who is fragile yet strong.  We see through the word where he is betrayed and yet he also betrays.  Yet what do we a man or woman like him choose to do when we have been betrayed?  If you have never been betrayed I would check my pulse to see if I was still on this planet or I would see if I had disconnected from people all together.  If we don't deal with the offenses that have been dealt to us we will ultimately become hard hearted, bitter, and maybe jaded.  If we don't wrestle our struggles out with the Lord in all honesty (since He already knows our hearts) we will inevitably try to build walls of protection ourselves instead of letting God be the watchmen on the wall of our hearts and we will become bitter and our relationship will be hindered with the Lord.  We will be tempted to self protect when we waver in unbelief shocked that a certain offense even came our way.  Even if we are mad at the Lord for letting something pass through our hands we need to come and confess our dissappointment.  He already knows we can't fool the Lord.  Very recently I was misunderstood by a precious woman in the faith and the Lord used this passage to speak to me.  I had been through some very personal trial and this person felt as if I were carrying hatred, bitterness, or unforgiveness when in reality I have been struggling and wrestling this offense out with the Lord.  I was misunderstood by her because she didn't know all of the details and she did not understand how this offense did not take place overnight and the process of forgiveness wasn't going to be overnight either.  I think so many people are well intended in the Body of Christ but also they may have limited vision into the trials of other people.  Yes we are to forgive yet just like people who struggle with addiction maybe some of them are literally delivered from a long term addiction over night but rarely is that the case.  They didn't become addicted over night and live in that addiction over night they may have spent years in the pit of sin until it has become a way of life and the process out of the pit is of course that the Lord deliver them yet they may have to spend years rewallpapering their minds with scripture and cooperation with the Lord because He is about relationship and intimacy with His children.  Why do we think the phrase "tough love" is spoken of so often?  Because of our propensity to wander.  If we receive instant deliverance from something like God just "bailed us out" so to speak we are very conditioned to forget.  We may have received a delieverance but we have not come to know our deliverer.  And I am sorry but what a tragedy it would be in my opinion to not have cooperated with the Lord freeing us up and thus miss out on such sweet times of healing and intensive care that the Lord worked in us. 
So, verse 1, David asks the Lord to listen to his prayer and not ignore his plea.  The word for "listen" used here is literally in Hebrew Azan, that God would "turn, lend an ear to, listen, attend to, ponder..."  There is something within the human heart that wants to be heard.  We want to have a voice.  The old phrase, "children are meant to be seen and not heard"  bugs the mess out of me and I am sure it does Jesus too since He would call the children to come to Him and not be hindered.  There are many references to His love for children and our need to humble ourselves and become like them because the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 
There is something to be said for having some friends for a long period of time.  People who really "know" you.  They get your heart and also know some of the pain you have been through.  People who in essence you have walked this road of life with.  What bugged me so much the other day about this precious person I referred to is I felt that she was projecting on me that I haven't forgiven such a fresh offense when the people close to me really get me and know that this wasn't something freshly brewed and that of course they understood where I was at in the process.  We have to be slow in rattling off how someone needs to forgive 70 times 7 (which I could teach a whole post about that verse and how taken out of context it is) when injuries that didn't take place over night may not have scarred up just yet.  I remember Beth Moore speaking one time about the difference between a festering wound and a scar.  If we are still bleeding from a wound and it hasn't scarred then there is something that needs tending too.  So, David wanted to be heard and quite honestly you may go through times where you feel so misunderstood and God is the only One who gets you and that's OK too.  He is greater than our hearts and knows everything.  Who better to make your plea to? 
David has been betrayed and the guy is in anguish over it.  So many people don't want to be their brothers keeper and they don't want to get into anything seemingly messy and so what do they do?  They ignore.  He is asking God to give ear and not ignore His plea.  He cries out to God for "divine retribution" over his enemies.  "The psalmist is full of inner turmoil.  Instead of the roaring of the sea, he hears the "voice"  (lit., "noise"; GK 7754) of his enemies threatening his existence.  They cause him to suffer grievously."
If you have ever studied the life of David you will see how many people were after him before he ever took the throne as king over Israel.  We may not be running with people in hot pursuit of us but we have that unseen enemy prowling around seeking those he can devour.  We don't need to give him too much credit but he is after us alright.  And we better wise up to his schemes.  After more than a decade of teaching or working in some facet of ministry with women I have heard many stories of betrayal.  I have also seen where the enemy is taking so many casualties from moral failure in the Body of Christ.  He knows his time is short and look at how he is turning up the heat to use anything he can to appeal to the lust of the flesh and snatch the testimony of true believers, true lovers of God.  Please hear me when I say, if David can fall into sin and still be called a man after God's own heart then you and I are a decision away from being ensnared or jumping into a pit of sin ourselves.  Listen to me, take heed you stand less you fall.  Left to yourself and your own depravity you are capable of any manner of sin.  If there is one shocking statement that I have heard it is from the lovers of God that wonder how they got to the place they are in?  How did they fall?  What happened?  So many people though are left in the wake of betrayal and pushed into a pit that they didn't make for themselves.  It may be someone stabbing you in the back, a promise not kept, a spouse that was unfaithful, a group of Christians that let you down, parents that were never parents to you, untold abuses...yet here you are and what are you going to do?  Well, you would be wise to start crying out to God.  There is a good step because we have got to deal with these offenses or rest assured they will deal with us.
I'm headed to start this continuum because I realize I already have gone to long and that's one thing I am...long winded!

(cont'd)

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Direct me in the Path of Your Commands for There I find Delight

Romans 13:14 (ESV) But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

Luke 18:8 (ESV)8 I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

Unfortunately, I had enough time and baggage when I started walking with the Lord to already have a good history of sin. The only thing was I did a lot of things in pure ignorance. The moral conscience in me knew certain things were right or wrong but lived with the fear of man and not the fear of God. After 14 years of doing life with the Lord day in and out I really can't claim like Morgan so often does, "I didn't know better." Some sins that I have committed I would have so much godly sorrow over but be so broken and sick because the fact was...I knew better. All of that is to say that I humbly come and write from the heart of someone who knows what it is like to have a heart fully committed to Him and on the flip side have one that is divided and unstable because of the choice to feed or make provision for the flesh. I can't say it enough, but I do not know where I would be were it not for His word. I have to stay in it or I will lose my ever loving head to this world. The other day I sat in my driveway and the only thing I could articulate in the few moments that I had alone was that my soul was downcast. I had such a cloak of heaviness weighing on me and for so many reasons. The question popped up in my spirit (I know it was the Lord because I had not even read this verse in so long and the Lord brought it up from the storehouses in my soul is all I can say) "when the Son of Man comes will He find faith on the earth?" I had been rolling over the verses all week:
Hebrews 3:7 (NIV) So, as the Holy Spirit says: “Today, if you hear his voice, 8 do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert,
The Lord gave those to me over and over. So, what to do with all of this? Just when I think I have heard it all I hear a story of someone else that is struggling in life and my heart is awash with grief over what a fallen world we live in. I am not jaded but we do live in the domain of the prince of this world as the devil is referred to in the book of John. What baffles me the most is how certain things like immorality, or p*rnography addictions, and s*xual sin are so rampant in the church and how many people claiming to be believers are falling prey to the grips of the evil one and are not being held accountable yet they are pining away in their sin and trading the inheritance that Christ has for them here on earth like Esau did for a bowl of stew. A big fat NASTY bowl of stew. Yet while they think they are keeping it at bay or a secret all of our sin affects each other and we are not operating as a healthy Bride in the Body of Christ with all of her parts to make herself ready for His return, which He will return and He will not delay.
So, I ask myself...why trade what is expensive for what is cheap, dirty, and destructive and a mirage at best? Why? I don't have all of the answers but I am ticked off and here I am to write:
Don't you want it to be said of you that when the Son of Man comes He WILL find faith on the earth with you?!? I just ask you that like I ask myself. I told Him in the car the other day that no matter what has been in my past I want to devote my life to Him and His word because He is so worthy and I know that there is NO freedom apart from truth.
So, we have made so many "provisions for the flesh" that we become color blind to the lines in between what should be black or white. We have allowed an attitude of tolerance into the church where we become all grace or we lack grace and become brash truth when we need grace + truth. When we walk in the light we have fellowship with others. Yes in this age of media we are missing out on true fellowship with so many surface relationships even though I do love me some social media. If we follow the first apostles they met together, broke bread, and had them some fellowship! We have got to have fellowship and do life with others in order to grow and be free. When we live and walk in the dark there is no light to expose the darkness and we are indeed called to be salt (a preservative, or tenderizer for the heart that may be hard) to the world and yet some of us are missing the boat on what church should be if it is not indeed another sorority or fraternity. For those of you who are reading this and thing I am chalking it up that no one is faithful I am not saying that at all. It is just discouraging when you hear story after story of believers in moral failure. So, I ask myself why is this the norm? Why is it such a casual thing? All I can come up with is a few answers: 1. Someone comes out of the world and comes to know Christ and looks around and sees all of these people that he/she thinks has it together and they sort of get in pretend or masquerade mode and maybe don't deal with long standing areas of bondage so they sort of go along faking it and maybe not on purpose but they continue in areas of filth that they had long standing before and never fully get to the point of tasting and seeing that the Lord is good because it is impossible to be in fellowship with the Lord and walk in the ways of darkness. So maybe he or she gets married and thinks that it will solve a purity problem only it doesn't. The desire for licentious behavior increases since their appetite has only been filled with that type of behavior and as people who were innately created with a desire to be filled he/she turns to something that will feed this desire and instead of the beast going away it grows and grows as it is fed and then has a continual lust for more. Then, the progression of sin grows and what started out as just a little doesn't do it for them anymore, thus hardening their heart and becoming calloused they don't know how to operate and have healthy relationships with others when they have traded what is sacred for what is cheap. If we don't spend time in the word (discipline has to happen before desire for the Lord and a hunger for His presence comes) we harden our hearts because we gravitate naturally to the things of the flesh. When I think of the words "make no provision for the flesh" I get a mental picture of the Israelites leaving their tents to gather manna that the Lord had rained down. They were not to gather too much or too little but only what was according to their need. Just like them we need to get up and gather the manna of His word and feed our spirits or I am so afraid and based on experience that we will default to living for self. Our choices really do matter, a day adds up to a week, a week then a month, a month then a year...and depending on our choices we can either be close and walk with God and have a heart committed to Him or we can get away and become calloused and I hope that the latter part scares you to death because I know we are capable of destroying ourselves and others if we choose the latter one. So, we are told don't make provision for the flesh...quit feeding your flesh! You know what it is for you. If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. You can't wait until you feel like being obedient to obey. Depending on how long you've been feeding your flesh can mean the difference in how long it takes you to get free. I know some people get delivered over night from stuff but that has not been the case for me. I remember having such bad co-dependency issues and going on being stubborn and rebellious (choose to sin, choose to suffer-James MacDonald) that it took a year of cooperation with the Lord to have that false god pried from the grips of my hands. The Lord didn't need to know I could be OK without a man in my life, I needed to know. I am so thankful He was relentless with me in that pursuit of freedom and it was painful but so worth it. The bottom line is that if you are not healthy in your own heart you will not attract what is healthy. You don't think clearly. Your mind becomes polluted. We have got to make even the smallest steps to just flat out denying our flesh and yes scream out to the Lord that your flesh is starving but I promise freedom is a much better place than the land of slavery.
As far as the Lord telling us in the New Testament TODAY, (not tomorrow I'll start then it turns to another tomorrow and such a vicious cycle) if you hear His voice do not harden your hearts as you did in the time of testing in the wilderness. We will all have times in the wilderness of life. Depending on how far removed you are from maybe your own personal land of slavery referred to as your Egypt...you like me and like the Israelites may look back when times get hard and be tempted to believe the lie that Egypt was better. NO EGYPT WAS NOT BETTER...YOU WERE IN SLAVERY DON'T YOU REMEMBER! As if we are watching a movie wanting to scream at the actors about what idiots they are at the decisions they are making....yet it isn't so obvious to us when we compromise a little here and a little there. Sin will always block our ability to have ears to hear and eyes to see. Oh but if we really saw Him as He was...if we really chose faith over wavering in unbelief the reward would be so rich.
Next, I would say that satan is having a field day with the shame game. That is his game and one he has been playing since the garden of Eden. He wants the believer in Christ to live in shame. To clothe themselves and try to hide because of shame. Yet the cross beckons you and me to come and because of the shed blood we have access to the Holy of Holies. We can come to the mercy seat and find grace and help and MERCY in time of need. But will we waver here? Will we waste away in the wilderness and never make it to the promise land because we chose self and sin over God? Will it be that we were more scared of coming clean than we were of missing our callings?
Or will we taste and see that the Lord is good and drink from the richest of fare? I'm saying from both sides of the fence that you have to draw a line and either get all in or don't. You have to decide are you going to live for the Lord and trade the temporal for what is eternal or just settle for the here and now?
So, are we becoming so desensitized that we are clouded to the word of God? Is the Word of God our standard for true life or are we still following after the patterns of this world that is 's perishing? That's one thing that scares me when churches are so big. I always wonder is that pastor rightly dividing the word of truth or are people flocking to surround themselves with people who will tickle their ears...that will say what their itching ears want to hear? Because more than ever satan is pulling out all the stops to ensnare believers. The truth is beautifully liberating to the hearer who knows that he/she would die without that living water. When you have been set free by the Word of God and obedience you know where you'd be without it and how you can't afford to live without it.

Morgan just asked me if I am writing a book so I guess I should put it down for now...but if I could speak face to face with anyone who is reading this, whether you have taken a fall morally or you have been pushed into a pit by someone elses fall...PLEASE make the word your abode. Camp out in it. Live in it. Yet what good is any of it if we do not obey it? It is sin to know what we ought to do and not do it. This time here on earth is so brief...we can live this thing out and cross the finish line full of faith. We can turn and repent and keep running the race...but we don't have long. Today if you hear His voice...

Lord, be our life and the length of our days. Consume us with a Holy Passion for You because yes we live in a fallen and tainted world but we can stand apart but it won't be on accident and it will be by Your word of truth. Thank you for Your Word. You are the Pearl of Great Price and may we not cast our Pearls before what is Swine.

Hold on a little bit longer

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4

Don't lose heart

I'm not sure what the phrase "don't lose heart" conjures up in your mind but for application purposes to me it is when I become discouraged enough by the winds and waves of this life to the point of giving up. Yet haven't we all felt that way? At the end of our rope so to speak. We may feel like giving up on the thought of every breaking free of a habitual stronghold that has held us in its grip for far too long. What about the loved one you have been praying for and yet still no sign of change? What about the relationship that barely has an ember glowing and you feel the last bit of hope about to be snuffed out. What about the ones you want so badly to know Jesus and His redemptive power yet their hearts seem so hard and calloused that getting through to them would be like breaking through bars of bronze with your bare hands. I know someone is reading that feels washed up on life's shore wondering if she missed her calling. Maybe you feel like you have blown your testimony beyond repair and you have lost hope that God can still use you. The woman struggling with infertility or is on her fourth miscarriage yet all of her friends are pregnant all around her. Or the person who has been alone in their marriage for far too long and has almost given up on things ever changing. She feels abandoned, rejected and alone. Why would anyone want to fight for her anyway she wonders to herself. Or the woman whose husband has betrayed her with his sad addiction to p*rnography. These are just a few things that I am pitching out there because I do hope that one of them will at least conjure up in you the thoughts of what it is like to lose heart. Paul's admonition here was for those of us in Christ to not lose heart. We must take courage if you and I are going to make it to the finish line having fought the good fight. I really wish I could just be so honest in regards to some of the things I am facing or have faced yet I don't think it would glorify God to just throw out the details on my blog. All that is to say that I know what it is to lose heart. This week I really felt a call to step it up in the realm of spiritual disciplines. I felt in my heart that the Lord was calling me to abstain from food so I could press in and perhaps touch them hem of His garment. And so I did for two days. It was so pathetic at first at how weak my flesh is. Yet I was determined with His might working in me that my flesh was going to bow down to the Holy Spirit because I needed Jesus more than I needed food. I needed to sense His presence. I needed to take courage from His word which He imparts to us so readily...yet sadly so often I forfeit the grace that could be mine for lesser things.
I realized in that small act that I really am nothing apart from Him and can do nothing apart from Him. Also, I think the removal of something like food or whatever for a time brings you clarity and the blessed reminder that He is our portion in the land of the living.

In our Western Post-Modern Culture we are usually among "the have's" and not "have not's". I was up at 3 am in what would have been yesterday, studying James Chapter 5 and I was sickened over my own self-absorption. I had to hurry to obey the Lord at 4:30am to start cleaning out my closets to purge of my own greed and continual lust for more. It is so easy to get caught up in covetousness and greed and think little to nothing about what a discontented state we are in because it is so the norm. Especially when the culture surrounding us screams so loudly that we need to feed our flesh that the still small voice of the Holy Spirit is drowned out by the deafening noise of the modern day Babylon we live in. One sure fire way for us to lose heart is to amass wealth and things to the point that we become enslaved by them and in doing so lose sight on what is unseen because we get so flipping distracted by what is seen and what is temporary!

So, do the odds seem to be stacked against you? Take heart.

"Paul has supplied several reasons for refusing to grow discouraged in spite of seemingly overwhelming odds: (1) his divine commission as a minister of a new and superior covenant (4:1), (2) the prospect of sharing Christ's triumphant resurrection from the dead (4:14), and (3) his immediate task of promoting the Corinthians' spiritual welfare and the glory of God (4:15). But he was realistic enough to recognize that his toil and suffering had taken their toll on him physically. For this, however, there was a splendid compensation. Matching the progressive weakening of his physical powers was the daily renewal of his spiritual powers. It was as though the more he expended himself for the Gospel's sake..., the greater his spiritual resilience..."

Let me just say that you and I have got to be in the word of God if we are going to have this spiritual resilience I just quoted. I don't know any other way to withstand total defeat then to take up our sword of the Spirit and press in to know Him through His word. I'm not here to argue about "quiet times" but I know that I can sense the Lords guidance and presence more in the morning than any other time of the day. I can't tell you the number of times I am sure Rod and I both would have rather been out of our marriage yet I can only speak for me when I say it is the dailiness of seeking God that has kept my marriage as imperfect as it is. Anyone that knows us would say our pictures would not quite be in the yearbook under "most likely to succeed!" Yet God in His grace has continued to breathe life into us when we feel like we can't withstand another day. The pure fear of the Lord has kept us together and the mercy that triumphs judgment that we have both been such great recipients of.

This spoke volumes to me this morning about the staying, accomplishing work that the Lord wants to do in and through the life of the believer (in reference to how quick and momentary this life on planet earth is):

"This life goes fast. A vapor. A mist. Picture someone exhaling warm breath into the freezing cold. There it is. Then it's gone...When circumstances are really tough, we can find comfort and courage in the verses about life's brevity. We can think to ourselves, In the eternal scheme of things, He's only asking you to do this hard thing for a few minutes. You can be faithful. It's not that long!" (Beth Moore, page 152 of James:Mercy Triumphs)

Should you stay in an abusive relationship? NO! Are there biblical reasons to leave a marriage? YES! But what about doing the hard thing and being one of the ones that Hebrews 11 talks about when it says that the world was not worthy of them? I love the hall of faith passage because these people were certainly not living "their best life now"! They were being put to death, stoned, sawed in two and etc for their faith in Christ. You may not ever be martyred for your faith in Christ Jesus but He may call you to stay put in some hard situations and persevere. These people did not receive on earth what was promised but you can bet they will in eternity. Sometimes we have to wait for the answer, even when it comes to the Lord's judgment, but though it linger we should wait for it...even if it doesn't come this side of heaven

Hebrews 11:37-39

³⁷ They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— ³⁸ the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

³⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.

I just turned 32 last month and after having three kids I can T-E-S-T-I-F-Y that outwardly we are wasting away as our bodies decay but just like the Lord said, we are not to live in fear of those who can kill the body but not our souls. Because these earthly tents we live in will eventually be taken down and one day we who are in Christ will receive glorified bodies that are incorruptible. The Lord cares about what concerns you. Even when you don't feel it.

Luke 12:4-6

⁴ “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. ⁵ But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. ⁶ Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

So, we must press on past our discouragement by letting Him teach us and speak to our weary souls. So many of you know that Rod's best friend and one of my best friends committed suicide almost two years ago in February. I wrote about that here.

He gave into the despair and the weakness of his flesh and unfortunately did not fight the good fight of faith. He became disheartened...he gave up.

In regards to focusing and fixing our gaze on what is unseen, I love this paragraph again out of Beth Moore's new study on James:

"I loved this commentary excerpt, she writes. See if it speaks to you, too: "This life cannot be properly understood without considering the spiritual realm, a realm that impinges on and ultimately determines the material realm in which we live day to day." Beth goes on to say, "Maybe we've heard this until the holes of our ears have grown over, but God is the only one looking through every layer and at every implication. He also looks upon a situation in context of what it is, what was, and what is to come. His deliberations don't just involve immediate impact. He sees our place and our positions amid carefully woven generations."

And I have to go on to quote this even though I realize how lengthy I am getting here:

"Are you ever tempted to think that this whole human thing is rigged? That God formed us with souls that seek well-being yet shuns us when we do what comes naturally? What if we understood down to the marrow of our bones that His is the only plan that really does end up prospering us (like spoken of in Jeremiah 29:11...I don't believe she is speaking of just monetary prosperity but a prospering in our soul)? What if we really believed Jesus when He said that those who insist on finding their own lives will lose them and those who lose them for His sake will find them (see Matt. 16:25)? What if we really believed that, if we seek God's kingdom and His righteousness, everything else of true value would be given to us, too (see Matt. 6:33)? What if we really believed that "He did not even spare His own Son but offered Him up for us all; how will He not also with Him grant us everything" (Romans 8:32)? What if we really believed that "godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8, NASB)?

To quote Moore again, "What if we really believed that God is not only great, He is good?"

To draw off of all of that when we focus only on circumstances and do not lift our eyes to His word we become jaded and then creeps in the losing heart, the despondency, the despair.

So as the weight of life comes down on your shoulders bend your knees or fall to your face and like Paul in 2 Cor. 4, let the idea of proportions that he experienced thrust you closer to the Father. "The greater affliction Paul suffered, the greater the glory produced for him."

As I live and breathe I can testify that some of the greatest gifts in my life have been pain because like a thorn in my flesh I would turn toward God and come to know Him in greater ways than I could have had that circumstance or pain not entered my life.

My only living grandparent died a few weeks before Blair was born. I think about it everyday...not to be preoccupied with death but it just washes all over me how brief this life is. Her body failed her and then of course she gave up her Spirit and she was cremated in the blink of an eye. Her presence seemed so immovable yet she is not here. She didn't take a single possession with her when her time was up. It keeps speaking volumes to me because she liked the finer things in life. I am reminded daily that this is not it...this is not my home. It's only temporary. Let's keep pressing in and pressing on until our redemption draweth nigh. He is coming and He will not delay.

Hang on my brother or sister and keep getting up, steadying your feet and gather the manna of God's word each day. We are more than overcomers in Christ Jesus our Lord! We can do this thing.

1 Cor 4:17-18

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.