Overwhelmed

I can not even begin to express my gratitude and thankfulness for all of the prayers and comments that you wrote me regarding my last post. Some of you wrote me on facebook as well. I really felt the Lord leading me to just put it out there. I can't stand to not be real and this has been something very real and horrific for me. There were times I thought I know people will think I am crazy. Then, a lot of this started after I quit teaching in the Singles ministry so of course I thought I will never be able to teach again. Rod and I were going to try to have another child and the Lord gave me the verse over and over that no weapon forged against me would prosper. Most all of you know what a horrible time I have with pregnancy and I know that word was an answer to direct prayer. Anyway, the Lord has confirmed over and over that I have been called to a vocational type of ministry and I thought for sure I must have been wrong because there is no way I could ever have the strength and what if I had an episode and on and on. A lot of you know about the time when Beth Moore came to Birmingham and she was talking about Generations: Making a pact for high impact. She told us to go home and do some homework on that Friday night. She said I want all 18,000 of you to go home look at where you have been in your past, where are you now, and where do you see yourself going with how you've been gifted and to get to your promised land. O.K., so I went home and I asked the Lord to confirm His will that I was called to teach. I asked Him to put something on my heart to pray and I prayed the following: "Lord, if you are calling me to vocational ministry then I pray that she would call me out of those 18,000 people and I will know it is You." So, rewind a year or more to the Patriarchs taping...(I am retyping all of this for the ones who may not remember me explaining it before) she is talking about the seed of Abraham and then she calls all of the pregnant people to come up on the stage and she prays over them. Well, I was pregnant and thought wow God has special plans for this child Beth Moore prayed over her. Then, when Shelby died I learned that God's plans were about His glory and that Shelby's life brought Him glory.
So, oneday before Living Proof ever had a blog, I wrote on the comment page that was on her website. I DID NOT WRITE HER. I just shared some of my story in the middle of my grief and encouraged anyone who was going through a tragedy to just cling to the Word of God. Stay in the Word no matter what. Not only do we need a daily relationship through the Word we especially need to walk by faith and keep sewing the Word that God has given us when we don't have goosebumps from the Holy Spirit...if you know what I am saying. When, I lost Shelby I had to believe God even though I didn't understand. That is not being brainwashed it is walking by faith. I learned so much and continue to from walking through that valley. Well, Nancy from Beth's staff emailed me and told me how deeply grieved Beth was and that she would like to get in touch with me so I told her to tell Beth to fly out to AL and we could do lunch...JUST KIDDING. So, Beth sent me the sweetest, most precious letter in the mail. She did not know me from Adam. It meant more to me than anything since she had taught me so much and entered into my suffering and she had been such a mentor in the faith. Well, I sent word through Nancy to let her know that I was pregnant again with Morgan because Beth asked me to send word. I was like oh I will but I know she is so busy why would she have time for this?!?!?
So, I sent her a pic of me and Morgan and a note about God's faithfulness to me.

Back to Birmingham (and y'all please don't think I am boasting at all I am just trying to share this whole thing) she was teaching on Eph 1 and how personal our God is and how when we think He doesn't notice us...HE DOES!! Then, she sees me, stops in the middle of teaching, and she says, "You are the one who lost the baby! Get up here." So, I told everyone what I prayed and she blessed me and it meant so much that God would notice me in a crowd of 18,000. He does see each of us and if we ask anything in accordance WITH HIS WILL He will do it.

So, as the years have gone by I thought well, maybe I made all that up. Maybe I have out sinned God's ability to use me. Maybe God is punishing me with these panic attacks. These are just some thoughts I have had. I even have come to the point where I don't care how or in what form God uses me...I just want to serve Him. Hence the reason I am teaching preschool. LOL! I bought the set off of her website just to have it and Morgan keeps bringing me cd number 2 where she calls me out, and I know I need to listen to it but I just can't bare to. Plus I hate the sound of my voice.

Anyway, in even trying to have a child as soon as they switched my meds I started having more and more panic attacks so I had to go back to what I was on and who knows if I will be able to have a child again but if it is the Lords will I know I will. I am sorry for this taking so long to type but I just need to tell you how much I love you. Please know from my heart how deeply I care for each of you. It is such a crazy thing how God can take something like the Internet, that is used for so many horrific things, and use it to bear fruit.

So many of you I have hugged and laughed with...shared rooms with...prayed with...prayed for. I just need you to know what you mean to me and how you have encouraged me and spurred me on. If I weren't in a house full of company at my in-laws I would bawl my eyes out for your sweet care and concern over me. I love you dearly!! I see now how in the Word Paul would long to go and visit people he had never met as he oozed affection in his letters to the churches. God is so marvelous and I praise Him for this circle of believers that I have.

I love you!!!