There are so many places that this post could go but I am trying to keep things a tad bit shorter because my little sister says my posts are too long. I love her honesty! She even tells me while I am mid-sentence that what I am saying is over her head and makes no sense to her. I love her for that as well because I get stupid some times and think that you are all reading the same book that I am! Anyway, Blair is just now five months old and to tell you that I am in love, drunk on him, smitten...are phrases that would just do no justice. If he were the richest dessert in the world I would take the tiniest spoon and eat him up! I am so humbled and thankful for the opportunity to stay home with my little mister and watch him grow. His cheeks are really filling in and he has the chubbiest little grin when he smiles from ear to ear. After losing our first child Shelby Hope, and then the war story of bringing Morgan into this world, I sure didn't envision having another child. Yet somewhere tucked away in the recesses of my mind I did not rule it out either. Each time I found out I was pregnant I literally got on the floor and bawled my eyes out before the Lord. I would literally freak out before Him because I felt all of the inadequacies rush in and the weight of responsibility fall on me no to mention the blessedness of being able to steward another child. I am one of those people who can't start a movie without googling it and reading what happens from the beginning to the end on wikipedia. Yes, I annoy even my own self. When certain parts of suspense come up I tell Rod resoundingly that yes I know what is about to happen its no secret to me, I am already well informed! When reading a Christian fiction book, I start about two chapters then thumb my way to the last few pages of the book to make sure everything will turn out like I want it to or I am not wasting my time with it. I am beyond annoying you are thinking! As I sit here on the floor typing let me tell you that my last irritating issue was picking out my pajamas. They have to match and as much as I have tried to convince myself that it will be OK if they don't...there is no going to bed with the mismatched pajamas. Listen, I know that there are far greater issues going on in the world this just happens to be part of my own madness. In a world where you and I have very little control I would at least like a bit of it in some areas if that is OK.
So, naturally I get ahead of myself even in the parenting department and start to worry about outcomes and years up ahead if I do not intentionally make myself stop and focus on passages like Matthew 6. I am comforted to think of the Israelites being brought out of their land of slavery and how God literally rained down their provisions daily for them. I would have been the chick out there gathering too much than what we needed, as evidenced by my pantry, (hoarding as our generation would call it) and then being scolded by the Lord for not trusting in Him to give me my daily bread (Click Here for the story of the manna in Exodus 16). We would have been the tent that smelled like rot from the manna that went bad. I am just saying.
Side note: When I found out I was pregnant with Blair I took the test in his friends cabin in Kansas (who does that but me?) so they all found out with us and I am sure they thought I was weird...I then went back to our cabin and had the freak out session with the Lord.
So, on to the point. Lately I have been in a funk. I have felt inadequate at best in so many areas. Then, with some things going on in my own life that are so personal, I have been focused on myself. I hate how that works out. Then, Friday night I went out to eat with the fam. As a new mother to Blair I so enjoy when others dote over him and tell me how cute he is. You know when you are the mom you think your baby is so cute even when he could be the ugliest baby anyone has ever seen. To you his face needs to be plastered all over baby food jars. Several people had commented on him in the restaurant and I noticed the waitress would not even look at him. She came back and forth to the table so many times and almost acted as if he wasn't even there. I noticed she did not wear any wedding rings as I tried to converse with her. Finally she told me that she had miscarried in September and she is expecting right now. Immediately I remembered how hard it was for me to share in other peoples joy of a child once I had released my own daughter to be with Jesus. I would scurry past the baby aisles and avoid contact with anyone that had a newborn. I was happy for others but was an emotional bomb waiting to go off on the inside. When you are in the throes of loss it doesn't take much for the floodgate of tears to open up, at least for me. So many people are so well intended yet maybe they have not been through grievous loss in their lives and they in attempt to provide some semblance of comfort to you say the dumbest things...or pious platitudes as some would call it. I was thankful to come in contact with her the other night to be reminded that so many people have desires that are not met in the way that they think they should and they are hurting and broken. It's not just the desire for children. There is severe loneliness, depression, feelings of worthlessness, despair, betrayal...and the list goes on. So even though I am fortunate enough to have this precious child I won't forget for a second that so many are struggling with infertility, miscarriages, the loss of a child and etc. I don't have much to offer here but I do know what it is like to suffer and to feel empty or have hope that is deferred maybe like the single girl that loves Jesus and is in her thirties and still waiting for the Lord to bring that man in her life. I know what it is like to look into Gods word and go oh this is what this relationship should look like but it doesn't and there is nothing I can do Lord but ask You to change me. To make me OK. To not let me grow bitter. I know what it is like to have to come to grips with the fact that some desires are not going to be met this side of heaven and to understand that it's going to be OK because those thorns in life are what drive me closer to Jesus and I wouldn't trade knowing Him for anything. So, tonight I come to say...the Lord cares about your broken heart. He cares about the state that you are in. He is truly what we need but let me ask you this...are you going to be okay if the longing is not fulfilled this side of heaven or will you quit because of the prosperity gospel that tells you that to have Jesus is to have all the best of this world. Or can you stand with me and continually lay yourself as an offering on the altar of the Lord and be the living sacrifice and allow that very longing to be your spiritual act of worship? It is not for the faint of heart when you come face to face with the fact that this world is fallen and broken and under a curse. You and I long for wholeness and there is nothing wrong with that but it will only be found in Christ.
Romans 12:1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.
So, I am praying that if that baby never comes, (don't quit seeking God's face over it and don't quit telling Him the desires of your heart) if that relationship is never repaired, if there is someone that is not coming back from the dead, if your marriage is never what it is supposed to be, that you will know the One that will bind up your broken heart and that in your deepest need you will find that you would never have known Jesus the way that you could if that disappointment or hardship had not come into your life.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I do realize that what I wrote is not very encouraging yet it comes from great sincerity and the desire to see others know the Healer while living in such brokenness. It is also my prayer that the very thing you have hoped for does not turn into bitterness. Oh do I know that one well. It is so easy to become bitter toward others and God because you feel like you have been dealt a raw deal and maybe you have.
The Year of the LORD’s Favor1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
May the Lord send forth His light and truth and guide us until we are ushered to His holy mountain, to the place where He dwells.
Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.