Friday, June 20, 2014

Post surgery

Praise The Lord Oh my soul... I'm really fatigued today and can't seem to escape the plethora of trials and health issues (not for the last decade anyway)... But with not an ounce of pride (I don't have any room for extra ounces) I'm so thankful I have like 5 1/2 more pounds to lose to get back to where I was before they had me on meds and etc for my neck. I say that because I was thinking I was too far gone (I know) and what I mean by that is that when you are my size and you gain weight, it calls for a new wardrobe...pretty much. So since March I've been laid up and not been able to exercise or anything I'm so thankful that I don't have to buy a whole new wardrobe esp when I can walk in a room and my favorite thing is probably going to be the one that's the most expensive. Please still keep me in your prayers as I have more issues after I'm healed up from this. Praying that The Lord will just take away the aneurysm on my left opthalmic artery if He wants to do so and dissolve this breast (I hate saying that word) health issue they've been following, along with the adenoma on my pituitary. 

Also, I'm so thankful for all of the precious encouragers that I have, the friends who have prayed for me, brought me and mine meals, offered to run errands even if I say no, my fam who have watched my kids, cleaned my house...and just people who have been bearing with me through the long haul when I can't even return a phone call because of my neck. 

Also, I'm pretty much tired every waking second and feel a dump truck load of guilt that I can't be a full on mom to my kids and that they don't really have play dates or tons of friends and are cooped up in the house with me. Poor Blair has hardly been anywhere and he hasn't been in the car with me. But this huge stretch of trials over the last decade and countless health issues, and go big or go home experiences, have refined me yes and greatly affected my quality of life and moreover at times have made me feel like the one person you don't want to see oh no here's that girl with the plague. Maybe that's my own cloak of condemnation I'm wearing but it's been tough and people who have never suffered (Lord have mercy on them) can be so judgmental and uncaring. Thankful in all things that I have suffered that I can comfort those with the same comfort I've received.  Be it the death of a child, financial woes, chronic sickness with my kids, really random who gets that but jenny and her people illnesses, rod breaking his back, me having war story pregnancies, surgeries, crazy vital issues with my heart, MVP, massive kidney stones, meningitis (I'm feeling like the end of Hebrews 11 when there was not enough time to speak of it all. Lol) and a thousand other things...I have known The Lord as the God who sees me even when others don't understand and are full of judgment...there is such peace in knowing God sees and we don't have to explain our back story to it marriage trials or near death experiences... He sees and He knows and also your load and mine might not be the same but it's still our plight and not someone else's. We can't compare losses and we can't say oh God won't give us more than we can bear as it's not in the scriptures. We won't be tempted beyond what we are able to bear. He will provide a way of escape it's just whether we take it. However life can leave you feeling like a cannon ball is perpetually being launched through your insides, you may feel struck down but not destroyed. Like the heroes of the faith David, Elijah, and Paul you may even despair of life because it's so brutal. Life is not escaping trials or never going through the's about the ability to bear up under a load and persevere because of Christ. He owes us nothing and yet have us everything that we may have life and live with Him for all of eternity.

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