Thursday, September 3, 2009

Why doesn't my daddy love me?

Psalm 27:9-11

9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

I remember very few things about my biological father (or sperm donor as I prefer to call him). After the tender age of four I never saw him again. I remember asking "Why doesn't my daddy love me?" or "Why doesn't he want me?"
God just wired us that way regarding family. I am convinced. When a parent walks away from a child there is a hole in the heart of that child's soul. I don't care what anyone says. Morgan has asked me why he didn't stay around and wondered if he is dead because she can not comprehend her dad ever not wanting her. She is secure in his love for her. She is taken by her dad. Some of you reading this may have had the same question yet on the flip side: Why didn't my mom want me, or why didn't my mom and dad want me?
My sisters and I all three handled it in different ways. I can not speak for them. I could speak regarding observation but I did not know their true hearts. I internalized it and tried to stuff it down. I remember my dad telling me "not to cry" when I was very young...therefore I made it my ambition to never cry. I had to be tough or so I thought. I also took on a parental role with my sisters and etc. I was a perfect set up for insecurity and for one who would look for love in all of the wrong places. Whether you have been abandoned or emotionally abandoned by the ones who "should love you the most" have a God that will never leave you or forsake you. When you have known rejection like the kind I am talking about and you turn yourself in desperation to our Heavenly Father, our Abba, He will never reject you. Not ever, never!
It is a strange thing but I was in a way glad that he was not in my life. If he didn't want us then I didn't want anything to do with him. Sadly, he has at least 15 kids and has little to do with any of them. I find myself feeling sorry for him as I type this because to be honest I don't give him much thought. I can not tell you what comfort I have found in Christ. What acceptance and love from Him. There are no bars that we have to reach for Him. He loves us steadfastly. The way to Him is the way of the cross. He died for the fatherless, the orphan, the widow, the destitute. He died for the whosoever would come to Him. I was adopted at age 7 or so and while I love my dad, and with all due respect, no one comes close to Jesus. When I think of my Father or Dad...I think of the Lord. Hands down. In a way I can boast along with Joseph that what the enemy intended for my harm God meant for good. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for all that I have been through. Through trouble, hardship, persecution, and famine of the soul I would not trade one thing if it means I draw closer to Christ. If my marriage were perfect, finances were perfect, ministry were perfect and on and on...I promise you I would be wigging out in some idolatry. Where would there be any room for God in my life? He doesn't have to allow anything to happen to me so I will seek Him but I can say for sure that because of the trials of my life it has drawn me to intimacy with Him. An intimacy I would not know if I allowed earthly things or people to fill the longings of my soul.
I spoke of warfare earlier and I just want to say that as I was thinking tonight, I thought I don't even stinking care about the warfare...if it means I will draw closer to Him bring it. The enemy is so stupid. The more he comes against me the more I go to God. What a moron! So are things not going your way? Have people let you down again? Did you open up your heart to love only to have that heart dashed on the rocks? You know what I say? You and I are more than conquerors. Come what may, we are more than conquerors through Christ who loved us and gave Himself for us.

Romans 8:35-38 is so powerful!!
35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

If you know the God of the bible, even if you feel forsaken you are not. Praise God when I lost my firstborn I was able to say in-spite of the indescribable pain that this I know Psalm 62:11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong, 12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

The very things I lacked are the very things that brought me to a certain desperation for Christ so for this I will praise Him all the more.

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Steve said...

I just wonder how many kids have ask this very question. There are so many, (sperm donors) as you said, that have no clue of what commitment is all about, and when I was younger and lost, I did almost the same thing. When I was 26 years old, I left my first wife, and two kids. I got my kids one day a week, and every other weekend. They could not understand why daddy was no longer at home. I always took them footballs games and baseball, and picked them up after school, but the fact is, I left them. I always tried to stay near by, and my oldest came to live with me and my wife at the age of 14. I don't see how a man could just up and leave, and never see his kids again.Adultery on both sides, is no way to stay married, and this was our case. I missed so much with them. Jenny,thanks so much for your post, and may God bless you.

Amanda Belcher said...

You, through God's word, give me so much faith. Your love for the Lord and ability to articulate that love into words and inspire people is truly admirable. I feel so much hope reading this.

Much love,

jennyhope said...

Amanda you are so sweet seriously! Thank you and you also Steve! It is so easy to get a lot of discouragement and I thank God for the encouragement He brings through others!!

Svee said...

My father passed away when I was 5 years old. Though he did not choose to leave, I often feel the abandonment of not having the security of an eathly father. I have sometimes dealt with blaming God for taking my father from me. although I work through that and ralize God's ways are great and not for me to understand here on earth. I too have found great comfort in having the havenly Father as my only known father and I feel blessed to know Him. I pray for the people who have no eartly father and do not know the wonderfulness of having our Lord as their father. God Bless You and may this post inspire some of those people to turn to our Lord, because there is no other father who can fill the void.

Warren Baldwin said...

This was a great post. Cheryl and I deal with a number of kids who deal with some of the same painful issues you deal with here. I have two daughters, both of whom I am very close to, but I am going to have them read your article just so they can see beyond the good earthly relationships they have to the ultimate one you write of here - our relationship with Christ.

Also, if you don't mind, I'd like to quote this in a blog post I may write, and link it back here. Would that be ok?

You can check my site out at Family Fountain. I write about family issues - marriage, parenting, etc., and this would fit in with something I'm writing.


Anonymous said...

This is such a word for me it ever I had one. This is exactly my struggle. Too complex to describe but it starts with a lifetime of rejection from my Father and competition for parental affections with sybs. Mother always wanted to leave and never did. I often longed for a new father and a happy home. These verses make me want to cry.