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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Empty Arms

I went to see Shelby's grave today and I walked around the circle and prayed for all of the people who have lost children. A precious girl in my bible study that y'all prayed for a while back lost her sweet baby Bryant a few months ago. He was only 12 weeks old. My heart just aches for her. I began to feel pain knowing that my knees to the earth are as close as I can get to my child or to hers for now. As I was praying, I walked by two graves belonging to the same family. One child had lived for a few months and the other died the same day he was born. My heart hurt for her as well.

As I sat down tonight to write Marcy, I had some words on my heart that I wrote down (I am obviously no poet. So these are just my feelings as they came to me):

I want to run
far away.
I can't stay still
or stop or pray.
A part of me is torn in two.
Without You O' God
I wouldn't know what to do.
So much of me wants to be mad at You.
You breathe life
and You take it too.
I wish this was a nightmare.
I wish I could wake up
and it all be OK.
Instead my days are filled with pain.
Everyone says this is about Your glory
it sounds so cliche'
when I just want my baby back
here to stay.
This isn't fair Lord!
This is NOT how it should be
my baby was supposed to bury me.
Where can I go to flee the pain?
God hold me in Your arms forever to stay.
This is too much for me
I can not bare this load.
My child is above
while I am left here... with empty arms
without him to hold.

Until I rise to meet You in the air
please treat my heart with Your tender care.

My eyes are fixed on You
I don't understand.
I long for the day to hold him again.

I was not meant for this fallen state.
This is never what You intended
this death and this pain.

You sent Your Son to die on a cross
my sins You paid for, oh what a cost.

I can't imagine how You must have felt,
until then help me to accept the cards that have been dealt.

I can't walk this road alone
please God keep me safely in Your fold.


13 comments:

Faith said...

((((HUGS)))
And thank you for sharing those beautiful words with us.

Little Steps Of Faith said...

Oh sweet friend!
I love your poem, I'm not a rhyming poet so total kudos to you!

I thought of you when I heard that song, " I will rise" Chris Tomlin
tonight, that's your song Jenny:)
Listen to it, let it sink in, and just let Him surround you with His loving arms!

I wish I could have been there with you today!
Its crazy how much you can feel someone's heart from so far away, and I have gotten to know yours, and its so tender and sensitive like my own.

HE LOVES THAT ABOUT US!

Let's sing together now:) in a prayer to Him:)

I will rise
by: Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Toknowhim said...

That was a beautiful poem... I know your friend will cherish it in years to come...

You are comforting others out of your own pain...that is beautiful too..

Blessings sweet one... Kim

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenny
That was truly lovely I enjoyed it very much!
Love ya Pat

Anonymous said...

O what precious words. The words to that song is simply amazing. Bless the Lord, we all shall rise.
Nancy in North Carolina

Anonymous said...

O what precious words. The words to that song is simply amazing. Bless the Lord, we all shall rise.
Nancy in North Carolina

Sara said...

jenny, i've known you for such a short time but the way you open your heart to share reaches beyond places you'll never know. ((hugs)) your poem is beautiful as are you...

Still Learning said...

Oh my goodness. That was so beautiful, truly beautiful because it was obvious it was from your heart. Now you've got me crying. Tears tears tears.
I am so sorry for your loss and for your friends baby. I hope you share that with her. I came very close to losing my Amber at 3 weeks and I remember thinking a lot of the same things you wrote. It's truly the worst.

Blessings,

Jennifer

ocean mommy said...

Tears and hugs to you. Beautiful words, honest and beautiful.

Love you
steph.

BonnieO said...

Jenny, you obviously ARE a poet and thank you so much for sharing those words. I am a grandma of a 14 month old named Carson who was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at 3 weeks of age. He was so tiny and struggled to make it the first 6 months of his life. I remember all those feelings you mentioned in your poem and the pain I felt for my son and his wife. It was a battle to give it completely to God. But the battle is His and I never forget to pray like I used to in my younger years. I pray everyday for complete healing and God's perfect will in my little champion's life. As your poem says, "I can't walk this road alone
please God keep me safely in Your fold" I am so glad I found your blog Jenny. You are a gift.
Best Regards,
Bonnie from Gresham Oregon
Ps..for more info on Carson you can go to http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/carsonotterson/mystory

Courtney and Brad said...

Wow Jenny that was beautiful! You are a beautiful writer.

Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife said...

Beautiful words from a beautiful girl, Jenny.

I love you..:)

Bev Brandon said...

Beautiful girl!
I just got a call to sub this week to give one exam each a.m. for a teacher----their 4 month old baby died of SIDS. No words over here! I never held any of my babies that died...but we will ONE DAY. one beautiful day. Jesus holds them this night, tight. Tears and Hugs and Love and Courage to you! Wish I could just sit beside you and you could see my tears for you. Love you so much! Bev