Empty Arms

I went to see Shelby's grave today and I walked around the circle and prayed for all of the people who have lost children. A precious girl in my bible study that y'all prayed for a while back lost her sweet baby Bryant a few months ago. He was only 12 weeks old. My heart just aches for her. I began to feel pain knowing that my knees to the earth are as close as I can get to my child or to hers for now. As I was praying, I walked by two graves belonging to the same family. One child had lived for a few months and the other died the same day he was born. My heart hurt for her as well.

As I sat down tonight to write Marcy, I had some words on my heart that I wrote down (I am obviously no poet. So these are just my feelings as they came to me):

I want to run
far away.
I can't stay still
or stop or pray.
A part of me is torn in two.
Without You O' God
I wouldn't know what to do.
So much of me wants to be mad at You.
You breathe life
and You take it too.
I wish this was a nightmare.
I wish I could wake up
and it all be OK.
Instead my days are filled with pain.
Everyone says this is about Your glory
it sounds so cliche'
when I just want my baby back
here to stay.
This isn't fair Lord!
This is NOT how it should be
my baby was supposed to bury me.
Where can I go to flee the pain?
God hold me in Your arms forever to stay.
This is too much for me
I can not bare this load.
My child is above
while I am left here... with empty arms
without him to hold.

Until I rise to meet You in the air
please treat my heart with Your tender care.

My eyes are fixed on You
I don't understand.
I long for the day to hold him again.

I was not meant for this fallen state.
This is never what You intended
this death and this pain.

You sent Your Son to die on a cross
my sins You paid for, oh what a cost.

I can't imagine how You must have felt,
until then help me to accept the cards that have been dealt.

I can't walk this road alone
please God keep me safely in Your fold.