My Determined Purpose, To Know Him, To Take Hold of Christ

After day eleven of being sick, it was time no matter how much I pushed myself to get out of the house. I waited until it was almost dark to avoid my sensitivity to the light issues (if you want to read about spinal meningitis click here). Rod, Morgan and I loaded up and you guessed it...we headed to WalMart. Normally I go at it alone, well I take Morgan, but someone had to drive Mrs. Daisy. Several of the cashiers asked where I had been and one lady there was wanting me and Morgan to come to her sons birthday party (yes I met her at the store) so as I was about to pass out in the isle she was giving me directions to her sons party. I needed to go and get Morgan a few things for Mothers Day Out tomorrow. She went for the first time on Tuesday. She cried a lot and did not eat her lunch. If this keeps up and she doesn't adjust well...we will be having Mothers Day Out at my house. She is a Mommas girl through and through, just the way I like it, but she has been having some attachment issues when it comes to social situations. (Can you blame her? We have so much fun together who would want to leave this party?) That is okay with me. One day it won't be that way so I will take it while I can get it.
As I was sick I started to feel forgotten. I wondered if anyone cared about me?
Was my life making any difference? As I laid there throughout the past several days I only had very small amounts of time in the word. I was like "Lord, please if you are going to let me lay here at least let me get time with You." I was actually getting mad that I could not read since it hurt so much. The Lord taught me several things over the last few days. Hear me out when I say this I am not saying this to brag...over the last nine years I have not gone to sleep without reading my Bible. My plan is that I read in the morning, get some word throughout the day, and read before I go to sleep. It is especially so I can hear from Jesus, and lay any burdens down from the day. It is also another way of taking thoughts captive and setting my mind on things above. Well, growing up I so wanted the approval of an earthly father that it can be hard for me not to revert to that with God. The Lord taught me that it is okay for me to have not read those two nights because I was sick. It was a matter of the heart and He knows my heart. One night my twin sister had to read to me (even though it was KJV or what I would like to call the Shakespeare version it was the word). Then last night Rod said he was going to get his bible to read before he went to bed so of course I was like please come in the room and read to me. I could have died...He stood away from me in the bathroom and read me four of the strangest prophecy verses in Ezekiel that I have ever heard (because they were not in context it was one of those flip your bible open and read the first thing you come to). He shut the Bible and said goodnight. I was like are you serious? That's it? No one can keep it short like that man of mine. Then I called my little sister and asked her if she was near a bible she found one and began to read. I said "Steph , are you reading me from the Psalm 140's?" to which she replied "yes, how do you know that?" I love the Psalms so much and can relate so much that I read them every day. She read to me Psalm 143 through Gods word I was reminded by God as if He were saying Hey Jenny, you think I have forgotten you, listen to my word. I did feel forgotten even though I was not. The reason I think we often feel forgotten is our concept of God. We are so quick to reason that God is good when things are going well and our health is good and we have money in the bank. But is He good when we are sick and when we are lonely, when we feel forgotten? Do we extol Him then? Yes He is good! The doctor came in my room the first night and I kid you not I gave him my symptoms and this is what he said, "We need to check you for meningitis if you have bacterial it is deadly." I was like thanks for putting it so nicely. Then I asked him to hurry out so I could pray. The thought started going through my head...what if this is it? Then I said wait a minute...Lord I have spent time with You, I know Your voice...please give me a word before I start panicking. That word was in my spirit "this sickness will not end in death." I saw a shirt at Walmart that said save your drama for your mama. Well, I save mine for my daddy, because I can get pretty dramatic. Then I have the other voice of reason...Rod...He assured me "babe your not going to die, its just something viral." Don't you love it~
My point in saying this is that once again I really realized what He means to me and just how lost and hopeless I can get without Him and His presence. After tasting of the Lord I truly can't be satisfied apart from Him not the true satisfaction that only comes from Him. I told Him that if I couldn't know Him and take hold of Him that I wanted Him to go ahead and take me from this life. I am not saying that mothering, being a wife, cleaning my house, working unto the Lord, that all those things are not important...we have to do those things while we are here. What was saying is "Lord if I just do all of those without following hard after You then You can take me because all of it is meaningless apart from You." I am not satisfied with the latest mini-tv series, endless chatter, entertainment, spending up my time here sitting on a porch somewhere gossiping until I die, I am not satisfied with the mediocre. Do you ever look around and say "Jesus, is this what You died for? For my mundane living?" So many people are searching for purpose and for significance take for example the sales of "The Purpose Driven Life" and "Your Best Life Now". Let me sum up real quick for you where you will find purpose: In Jesus! In losing YOURSELF you will find true life. You will come to know Him when you search for Him and apply your heart to understanding. Then day by day you walk with Him. Sometimes He will have to carry you and other times you will walk side by side learning and living and doing through the pages of the Word and with the help of the Holy Spirit. I read neither of those books and I am not going to. I don't agree with Joel Osteen at all doctrinally and I don't have time to go into that. So what is your purpose? Why are you here? Christ means for you and I to be fruitful and He means for you to have fulfillment but it only comes in staying close to Him (and it is not the fulfillment that this world offers). I am just saying that I truly felt this week what the following passage describes about purpose and if I can't have Jesus I don't want to do this life for it would not be living at all.

Phil 3:8-11
8Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),

9And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law's demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith.

10[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [[b]which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

11That if possible I may attain to the [[c]spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].