my monkey and the people I just can't seem to love

The monkey is back in her crib. The toddler bed is in the guest bedroom and she is adjusting back in her bars. I couldn't handle another night of her freedom. It was really going to get to me.


On to something else...these verses. They cut like a knife!
Luke 6:31-33
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.
33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that.

Verse 32 is the one that gets me. It is so easy for me to love the people who are easy to love, the people who love me back. But I just wanted to tell off like 2 people tonight that were getting to me. Better yet, there is a relationship that Jesus is calling me to stay in that I want to leave because it is not easy and it requires me loving someone that I can not love on my own. Does anyone have a person like this? I need him to give me resurrection power over this and bring my heart back from the death that I let it die as a defense mechanism. I wanted that part of my heart to die to this person because if it did then that meant I would not have to get hurt or care, I could be as cold and calloused as I wanted and be unaffected. Does anyone know what I am talking about? Instead Christ says, "No, Jenny that is not what I have called you to here."
"But why Lord?" I ask. He has called me to love and keep loving, regardless of the other person's response or lack thereof. There are some things that we need to walk away from and say goodbye to, but this is not one of them for me. He wants me to persevere...but I don't want to. Yet I will have to choose to submit. Our culture is all about get going when the going gets tough and I will say I would like to jump on board with that right about now (just to be honest). In my heart, I know that a new set of circumstances would mean new issues, and new problems, just in a different package. Contentment is a learned thing people and it is learned through the furnace of affliction and trials. I don't understand why things have turned out the way they have for me (and none of that really matters) but it is my prayer that Jesus will continue to make me okay and that those things that have been allowed in my life will continue to bow down to me and become servants to me. I don't want to grow cold or bitter ever. I know a lady that has a scowl on her face every time you see her. Life has gotten to her and her countenance is hard. I don't want to be like that. Lord, help us to love those who are not easy to love, those who are a continual thorn in our flesh. God, please regardless of where we have gone astray help us to stay the course and stick to your side and believe You when this world screams no don't believe your God. Lord, please cleanse us and help us we need you to do in us what we can't do for ourselves. Father, please fill me...be my portion.