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Saturday, June 16, 2007

My Father

My heart was aching tonight over so many things that I have let build up. Rod made me so furious that I couldn't see straight when he told me that I wasn't organized tonight at 10:30pm. I began to go on another rampage trying to prove myself and throwing everything away in sight. I'll show him I said to myself. He always knows where to get me. This is not about him though...it is really about my pride. No matter what I have ever done in life it seemed like it was never good enough...the bar was always so high and when I reached it...it got raised a little more. I tried so hard as a child to "do" and to make someone proud. I always felt such a deep need for love and acceptance at an early age and I would go around with an unspoken question, do you love me? There were always conditions and restraints. I would hear things like "you used to do this" or even better "you used to be this way." I strived for all A's in school with occasional B's. I was so scared of letting others down. I can remember sharing a room with my two sisters and I would so proudly write my name on the back of all of my honor roll ribbons and pin them up on my bulletin board. I would even post my report cards up for them to see that yes once again Jenny made the honor roll. In my attempt to feel good about myself I would put them down for their grades not being as good as mine. I have since then apologized numerous times for my foolishness and low self-esteem. They both have shrugged it off. I grew up in a very competitive home. With five kids you have to fight for attention, or at least we did. My sister Heather was first chair flutest in the symphonic band, she was a majorette, and I always thought she was prettier than me. She had and still does have a lot going for her. My sister Holly (my twin) she is very artisitic, she could play piano by ear, draw anything, and sing like nobody's business. She was number one in the state at playing her flute and she too was a majorette. I come from a musically gifted family and extended family. My grandfather could sing and play the piano better than anyone I have ever heard. He was the first person that I ever remember impacting me for Jesus. I would sit at night and listen as he would read my grandmother the bible. I wanted so bad to fit in with the musicians in the family but there were a few problems, I can't sing, I am tone deaf, and I have no coordination. My spine is shaped wrong at the top where the skull rests which makes me well not so flexible. All I could do was run. Instead of run Forrest run...it was run Jenny run. I was an obsessive compulsive cleaner from a very early age. During the impressionable years I wondered in the days of talent shows, what are my talents? I couldn't be a part of a talent show unless it meant jogging in place on a stage or making a bed the neatest, or better yet I could show people how to polish their brass fixtures, or how to get the vacuum lines in the carpet perfect as long as everyone hopped from couch to couch there would be no footprints (you think I am joking ask my sisters). I am sure people would be amazed at all of that talent. I took up cross-country and track and I was pretty good at it. Over all I was a goob...lets just be honest. Then I turned to trying to find love and acceptance from boys or friends. I truly felt like my life was just not important until I met Jesus. I wish I could say that it all snapped together after that and I just started living for the Lord and being obedient...but that is not how it happened. The Lord has been sanctifying me ever since I had a head on collision at the cross. I told Him in prayer tonight that I was so embarrassed at my own foolishness and the mistakes I have made so far in ministry that I can't believe He would still let me serve. I am so thankful that He knows the heart and sees past, present, and future and that He is not limited by time. I still scratch my head at some of the prideful, self-righteous things I have said or done along the way. For everyone you can be sure that I have had an equally humbling experience to go along with it.

I was cleaning and organizing (even though I am so stubborn and should be in bed since I have been oh so sick) and I came apon a picture of me when I was 2 1/2. I said Lord who was this girl? Was she loved? Was she accepted? Was there a plan for her? I just spilled out my heart to God and cried and prayed tonight. I know it was meant for me to see that little Jenny tonight. For Him to reassure me in my spirit that I am loved by Him, that I was chosen, set apart before the foundations of the world, that I would be His child and He would be my Father. In my search for meaning I found Him. In my desperation and despair, He came to me. I told Him tonight that I was so sorry for looking at others through the eyes of judgment, that after all this tattered and torn girl had been through, I was so sorry for ever picking up my stone to cast at another. How easy it is to forget the quarry from which you have been mined from. I prayed today that God would restore my soul, and He is doing that. I have been through so much lately, a lot that I can't even begin to speak about, and the Lord used that sweet little picture to in some way through His word that I have hidden in my heart to tell me that He loves me, He takes great delight in me, and He sings over me. I felt Him quiet me with His love as I told Him that I needed Him to hold me. And if you have made it this far in reading this please say a prayer for Morgan. She started getting sick tonight with a major explosion from the rear...sorry for the graphics... and immediately my mind goes to "viral meningitis". I just pray she doesn't get that.

One more thing, because I need to go to bed. Not only when I found Christ, my treasure, did He give me significance and acceptance (for those of you that have never struggled with any of this I am really glad for you), He gave me a gift. He gave me a gift to teach. I know it is from Him because I can't help but share everything, this has not stopped in almost 9 years. People will tell me oh you are really on fire for God. I guess you are supposed to burn out and be lit again but that has not been the case for me. I am not in some phase that I will soon get over. Jesus is the real deal and I can tell you from the bottom of my sould through sticking with Him, choosing to believe that He forgives me and that we have work to do...I can't help but share about Him...it is not something that you have to work at to talk about if you are having an active relationship. I kid with my friends now that I know why He didn't give me a great voice, cheerleading ability, or the hand of an artist. I would be like okay, I am going to teach, then I will bless you in song, maybe paint you a picture (for worship) and do a few cartwheels while I am up here. It would not have been good for the kingdom. One thing I love about our relational God is that when we cry out to Him and He answers in whatever way He chooses, we come to Know Him and He is so very real and personal. Just tonight in getting things off of my chest to Him...I could feel His love and presence (through His Word in my heart for all of you cynics) to where His love for me is not just words on a page it is real and live (even though I may forget for a time or not feel it). As I stared at that picture I cried and told Him how thankful I am for Morgan because she has been such a minister of His grace and love toward me ever since she got here. I never knew the capacity of love that my heart could have for this little one (and in the midst of me thinking I was going to die in the last couple of weeks I remembered me and Morgan have some work to do against the kingdom of darkness). Then the Lord constantly reassures me in my spirit that my love for her pales in comparison to His love for me. Happy Fathers Day...Abba...I love you so.

Thanks for letting me share...it did good for my soul tonight.
Now that it is 3am I am going to slip in the bed and rest.


Psalm 103:12-14

12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

ps...even cooler I just looked at the memory verse for the day and realized that the LORD had just spoken these same words in my heart before I ever looked at that verse! He cracks me up with all that repetition. ;)

3 comments:

Donna Hazelwood said...

Thank you sister for pouring out your heart. I can't tell you how it blesses me to hear the heartcry of others who have a similar passion for God. I was feeling sad this morning because my precious daddy is not here for me to hug and love....I can assure you he isnt sad in heaven with the Father :o) Your scriptures at the end reminded me that I am to sing to God, to sing praise to His name, to extol Him who rides on the clouds - His name is the Lord - YAH...I will rejoice before Him...for He is a father to the fatherless....Thank You Abba Father...for YOU TRULY ARE EVERYTHING I NEED!

jennyhope said...

Hey Donna I meant to save your email address a while back and put it in my email address book.
Can you send me an email to williams4676@bellsouth.net so I can save it that way? :)

connorcolesmom said...

Jenny,
Such passion and honesty - oh it touched my soul.
We all have had our moments in life where we wondered what our purpose was - what did God make us for?
I truly felt that way about a year and a half ago. I wondered if all I was suppose to do was to be a mommy (which is a great job but I felt within my soul that I needed/wanted more)
That is when God started preparing me for women's ministry. God is so good and does love us so much!!
Our Abba is wonderful!!
BTW: I have a surprise for you Tuesday -Brynn is bringing it :)
God bless,
Kim